he behaves disrespectfully towards
me or any of his brothers (either by
yelling at us or hitting us). He may not
come out until the timer goes off after
exactly 3 minutes. (This is obviously
something you have to train your child
about – he does not stay magically in
the bathroom by himself!)
Similarly, my 8-year-old knows that
when I send him for time-out, usually
when he behaves disrespectfully
towards me or any of his brothers, he
needs to stay in the bathroom for a
full 8 minutes. He may not come out
before the time (if he does, the timer
is reset and 2 minutes are added).
During the time-out I expect of my
child to think about what happened,
and to take control of his emotions.
Taking control of one’s emotions is an
important part of time-out. You are
conveying the message that it is all
right to be by oneself for a time, take
deep breaths and come to grips with
one’s anger/irritation. While your child
takes time-out you as the parent can
also take a time-out to get control
over your own emotions (anger/
irritation)!
I advise the use of a fixed time (one
minute per year age of the child), and
not to let you child come out “when he
feels better”. It may happen, and has
happened a few times in my home,
that the timer goes off after the set
time of 3 minutes, but the child has
not yet regained control and is still
screaming or crying uncontrollably. In
this instance, I would inform my child
that he has another 3 minutes (or 6 or
8, depending on the age) to use, and
reset the timer. Eventually he will be
able to calm himself and be released
from time-out when his time is up.
But this is still not the end of the
discipline. Now is the time, when both
you and your child are calm and in
control, to discuss the reason why
time-out was given, and to then obey
the parent.
If we use the example with which
we started, time-out will work
effectively only if you have previously
discussed this way of discipline with
your child. This means you have
to explain the “rules” about how
long time-out would be, what the
consequence will be if she does not
stick to the rules, and why you want
her to take time-out. You will then
take your child for time-out for 5
minutes (in the example she is 5 years
old), during which time she should
calm down. If she refuses to sit on
the chair in the corner (or stay in the
bathroom), you will extend the time
with 2 minutes until she realises what
you expect of her. You expect her to
calm down and consider what she is
doing (misbehaving). When the timer
goes off, you will calmly discuss what
you expect of her (“I want you to pick
up your toys, and apologise to me
because you yelled at me”). If she still
refuses, the process may repeat itself.
(I once had to repeat this exercise 5
times before compliance!)
Time-out is best used