Friends help define personality and
independence. Friendships teach
young people how to deal with their
own complex feelings and those of
others. With friends, kids also learn
to trust, explore who they are and
begin to build a sense of security
apart from that given by their families.
Interacting with other kids and making
social connections come naturally to
many children. But for others forming
those friendships can be a challenge.
When a child says that he “has no
friends”, parents should probe for
specifics. Does this mean all the other
kids were invited to a classmate’s
birthday party? Or that the child was
not included in a playground game?
Kids are not sophisticated enough to
fully understand and interpret that
kind of social bullying — they only
know they feel left out.
Children growing up in large families
enjoy a social edge. They learn how to
engage with groups earlier – and more
often – than only children or kids from
small families. Surrounded by siblings
or cousins, these kids understand how
to “jump into” the ball game. The only
child? His primary playmate might be
a parent who throws the ball at him –
every time.
Personality traits – at either end of
the temperament spectrum – can also
affect a child’s ability to make friends.
Extreme shyness can come across as
standoffishness. Overly assertive types
can simply seem bossy.
Children start playing with each other
from the age of four years. Before
that we call it parallel play. Soon kids
find a friend or other children they feel
comfortable and safe with. These are
not necessarily always close friends.
Social play is a skill that develops over
time and is dependent on a child’s age
and stage of development. Children
are not born innately knowing how to
play together.
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• June/July 2014
Why are they left out?
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Sometimes the friend you usually
play with wants to play with
someone else. This is fine. It
is normal for people to want a
change, but you might feel a bit
sad or upset.
Maybe your friend wants to join
in a game or try his skills with
others.
Maybe he met someone after
school and wants to know him
better.
Maybe you hurt his feelings and
he cannot talk to you about it
because he doesn’t know how to
begin.
Maybe you do not let your friend
share in deciding what to do
together, or maybe e is just fed
h
up with always being the one who
decides.
Maybe he feels tired or ill and just
wants to be alone.
What if no one wants to play
with you any day?
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Maybe you find it hard to make
friends.
Maybe you are a very shy, quiet
person.
Maybe you do not know how to
make it easy for others to be
friends with you.
Tips for children
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Try asking your friend, nicely, if
you have upset him in any way.
Ask if he would like to talk about
anything.
If he still wants to play without
you then say it is fine. But tell
your friend where you will be.
Look for other children in your
class and go and stand near them.
If they are playing a game, watch
for a while and then see if you can
join in.