95
Spoof
News
Prince Kidnap Riddle Solved!
Tiny superstar found trapped
beneath floorboards
Yesterday morning hope appeared to be fading in
the full-scale manhunt for missing pop legend
Prince, when an exhausted Diana Ross returned
home to grab a couple of hours’ sleep,
having spent the previous 18
hours combing
woodland with a
local search party
including pop
impresario Berry
Gordy and Cameo
singer Larry
Blackmon.
“As I sat down in my
kitchen, I became aware
of a faint scraping sound
coming from over in the
corner,” said Miss Ross. Grabbing her toolkit, Ross
used a crowbar to rip up the section of floorboards
from where the sound was emanating. There she
found the tiny, trembling form of the Purple Rain
superstar, caked in dust and clinging to a half-eaten
finger of Fudge.
Prince himself took up the story; “I had no idea
how long I had been down there,” said the genius
behind the Batman soundtrack, still cradled in Ross’
arms. “All I remember is popping round to see if
Diana was home, and then squeezing inside her
crawl-space to play. Pretty soon I was totally lost.”
Prince survived by licking the condensation off
water pipes and carefully rationing the Fudge bar
and a small bag of sherbet lemons he had brought
with him. “I really thought my time was up. That
will teach me to play silly when there is no-one
around to supervise me.”
Amazing claim: “Not all black
people are R’n’B singers” Scotland
Yard launches urgent investigation.
Shock today at the offices of Warm magazine
after their recent edition featured graphic
portrayals of black people outside the music
and fashion sections.
It is believed the error was first spotted by astute
readers after the magazine hit the newsstands.
No one in the editorial or copy-checking
departments has been sacked after an emergency
internal probe revealed that the outrage was the
result of a ‘systems failure’ and that anyway if
they fired everyone involved there’d be no new
edition next week. “We just don’t know how
this happened,” said Warm’s Editor, Kelvin Klan.
“We’re normally very careful about how we
portray the ethnics and we’re very sorry if we
have offended any of our readers by suggesting
that black women have other talents beyond
writhing around in diamante dresses and shaking
their booty.”
In a terrifying double-whammy of blunders it has
also emerged that the same edition carried
explicit pictures of a black man dressed in a suit
with accompanying text suggesting that he had
been ‘successful’ in the field of business and had
received a so-called ‘Young Enterprise Award’.
Horrified regular reader, Stewart Pidd, told Drum,
“I feel let down and betrayed. I have always felt
that my future aspirations of being a gangsta,
taking drugs, dressing like a Seventies porn
baron, going to prison and finally being
assassinated were suitably reinforced by my
chosen reading matter. Now I feel as if I might
have to get an education or even a job. I might
even have to stop saying ‘innit’. But not just yet.
Innit.”
Warm magazine is a Telemailgraph
Newspaper Group
publication.