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• You criticize others.
being found a failure.
• You hide your true self.
• You judge and criticize others.
• You demand reassurance.
• You have difficulty hearing criticism.
• You compare yourself unfavorably to
others.
5. “I’m a failure.”
The final major fear that can capsize your
relationships stems from the belief that
failure is inevitable, or that you don’t
measure up to your peers because you
aren’t as smart, talented or successful.
In this case, you may have thoughts
that include: Most of my peers are more
successful than I am. I am not as smart
as other people in my life. I feel ashamed
that I don’t measure up to others. I don’t
possess any special talents.
As a result of your extreme self-doubt:
• You avoid discussions or situations
where comparisons to others would be
made.
• You allow others to criticize you or
minimize your accomplishments.
• You minimize your talents or
potential.
The good news is that these fears don’t
have to continue to sabotage your
relationships. The first step toward
making the change to feel nourished
and supported by your relationships is
awareness. You can first empower yourself
by identifying your qualms — and their
associated thoughts and behaviors. From
there, you can bring an increased level of
mindfulness into your life, and begin to
shift your habits.
So stop right now, and bring yourself to
the present moment. Recognize that your
fears and the thoughts they trigger are
transporting you back to a past experience
or mindset that has given you distorted
lens. So don’t react immediately, as your
reaction, too, will be distorted.
Allow yourself time to harness your desire
for change and personal growth. Digest
your thoughts and feelings without a
need to control or judge them. Once that
emotional storm has passed, and you can
recognize that this present situation may
have nothing to do with the fears you are
projecting onto it, then you can respond
in a way that is helpful — not harmful — to
your current relationship.
• You hide your true self for fear of
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Michelle is a therapist, author and radio host specializing in relationships
and schema therapy. More at www.michelleskeen.com and www.twitter.com/michelle_skeen
Divorce 411 April 2015 | 15