Discovering YOU Magazine October 2018 Issue - Page 42


The Daunting Past

Article by Lama-Leah

Within the platforms that I have been given, I oftentimes find myself sharing about struggles that I have had in the past. However, I rarely share about how the darkness that I once walked in, continues to linger within my current life. Within the early stages of my life, I was (removed still) physiologically abused, was familiar with anorexia before I was ten years old, and I honestly do not remember a time in my early life where I was truly happy. Now at the age of twenty years old, I have been delivered from a life of darkness, but I often find myself becoming more aware of ways that the adversary tries to persuade how I see who I am in Christ.

As a former victim of early childhood abuse, I never realized how I viewed love differently than the biblical way that God intended it to be because when I was young those who were supposed to love me, hurt me I have a tainted view on how I accept love. It was not until a few short months ago when I was shown love in a way that I have never experienced before when I realized that areas of my past traumas were still lingering in my life.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." ~ John 15:12, NIV.

The phrase, “I found someone” might be what you were expecting to read next, and you would be right. I had no intentions to pursue a romantic relationship for at least a couple of years because I knew that I needed time to heal. In 2017, I had found myself coming out as a #MeToo victim for sexual misconduct between myself and a photographer that I modeled for. And this specific experience tainted the view I have on men in general. For an extended period of time, I would have intense anxiety panic attacks when I shot with male photographers on a one on one setting, and would do everything in my power to never be in a situation where I was in a room with only men (this is quite a difficult thing to attempt to achieve when I have little say in who I work with on a daily basis). I knew that I needed time to heal and grow from that experience before even considering the thought of adding an element of romance in my life.