The phrase, “I found someone” might be what you were expecting to read next, and you would be right. I had no intentions to pursue a romantic relationship for at least a couple of years because I knew that I needed time to heal. In 2017, I had found myself coming out as a #MeToo victim for sexual misconduct between myself and a photographer that I modeled for. And this specific experience tainted the view I have on men in general. For an extended period of time, I would have intense anxiety panic attacks when I shot with male photographers on a one on one setting, and would do everything in my power to never be in a situation where I was in a room with only men (this is quite a difficult thing to attempt to achieve when I have little say in who I work with on a daily basis). I knew that I needed time to heal and grow from that experience before even considering the thought of adding an element of romance in my life.
A few months ago, I broke the rule that I had made for myself. I was pursued by not a boy but a gentleman who I truly believed had my best interest in mind. Within a couple of days of meeting each other, we began talking which led to a relationship. From the very beginning of our relationship, I was very open about my dark
past of childhood abuse to the sexual abuse that I encountered just over a year ago. I explained to him why I could not do certain activities in order to protect my mental health, and that I could go into a state of dissociation with the smallest triggers. We would go walking or had coffee for our first couple of dates because eating in front of others is still a huge step for me to personally take.
Once I become more comfortable with him, we had our first dinner date. Between the strict diet that I have to keep as a model, and both of us having food allergies, we mutually decided to stay in and he cooked a lovely vegan meal. Shortly after we ate, I had my first panic attack in front of him. I tried to hide it because I was embarrassed but he assured me that everything was going to be okay. I sat on the couch and I pushed him away when he tried to give me a hug (not a very proud Leah moment here). He took that with grace and I said, “Thank you for respecting my boundaries” and his response completely changed how I see myself and was a huge reminder about inner value when said, “I respect you not only because I love you, but because you are a human being and that in itself means that you deserve respect.” I began sobbing not because I was freaking out again, but because I had a realization about how I view myself.
My life has been an absolute beautiful mess, and I give the Lord all of the glory. While I like to think that I have been transformed, I have to take steps back periodically and realize that God is still working on me. I have been delivered from a life of darkness, however, as long as I am on this earth I am going to be in a war against the darkness.
THE SPIRIT IN YOU