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II B.34 Relentless Suffering: “A Sign that God has Chosen a Soul for Great Sanctity” 182
(Diary, # 23): Over time, Sr. Faustina felt that her suffering was unrelenting. During the
first year of her novitiate, she only felt “darkness over her soul.” She appreciated God’s holiness
and mercy and she pleaded for His compassion. On the other hand, she “could find nothing but
misery.” She found no solace in prayer and it was labor for her to meditate. This was her state
for almost half of the year. But the Mother Directress stood by her during these difficult times.
During her second year in the novitiate, she “shuddered” to think that she was getting
closer to making her permanent vows. However, She still could not bring herself to meditate. and
to comprehend what she was reading. The tenets of the Faith and the counsels of her Confessor
seemed “incomprehensible” to her. She also had the notion that God was “displeased” with her
or that she was “offending Him even more” when she received the Sacraments. But, her
Confessor did not allow her to miss receiving Holy Communion.
But at some point, she also started believing that God had cast her off, which to her was
akin to suffering the actual torment of the souls of the damned in Hell. This dreadful thought
penetrated her soul so deeply and painfully, that it was like tasting the agony of death itself. She
“wanted to die but could not,” and felt crushed. She also began to question the merit of leading a
virtuous life or doing mortifications; for she believed that God was “disagreeable” with such
practices. When she confided these great torments and confusion in her soul to the Directress of
Novices, she listened patiently and consoled her, saying, “Know, dear Sister that God has
chosen you for great sanctity. This is a sign that God wants to have you very close to Him in
182
Ibid., Faustina, Diary, # 23.
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