RECOVERY MONTH...RECOVERY MONTH...R
RecoveRy ThRives
As Recovery Month continues to go from strength to
strength with fundraisers, festivals and fun, DDN hears
three inspiring accounts of this year’s activities
A TIME FOR GRATITUDE
Timmy Ryan reflects on the moment
he believed recovery was possible
I
went to Addaction Chy, a residential rehab in
Cornwall, in December 2014 and it was my last
chance saloon. The doctor had told me it was the
end of the road for me – that my alcohol addiction
was going to finish me.
It’d been with me a long time. A childhood
surrounded by violence and spending time in and out
of care had led me to drink. I guess I was about 14
years old when I started drinking. I was a complete
mess, carrying around a head full of physical and
mental abuse. It was like torture and I used anything
I could to ease the madness of it all.
For most of my life I managed to be a functioning
alcoholic. I held down a construction job and drinking
was a big part of that world anyway. It was a
rollercoaster. I could be in control for a couple of
weeks, but then it’d take the slightest thing and
alcohol was back in charge. Gradually, it ground me
down and alcohol become my master. Over time it
took everything – my marriage, friends and family. It’s
a terrible disease that took complete control of me.
Everyone used to say I was so distant. I couldn’t
look people in the eye – didn’t think I had the right. I
couldn’t share with anyone as it destroyed me inside.
18 | drinkanddrugsnews | October 2017
At 47, I’d already had two heart attacks and the
doctor said the third would be goodnight forever. I had
an irregular heartbeat and wasn’t looking after myself.
I wasn’t taking my medication, had lost loads of weight
and was literally drinking constantly. I was slowly
drinking myself to death and was aware of it, but I
couldn’t help it – I was drinking to stop the shakes and
heaving. The good times had long gone and I was a
shell of the man I once was. I was powerless over my
addiction and my life had become a complete
nightmare full of regret, self-pity and consequences.
My daughter, who was 14 at the time, was walking
down the road holding my hand and I said: ‘I don’t
want you to die’. It took until that point to realise
what I was doing to everyone around me as well as
myself. I thought to myself ‘you selfish bastard’. Then I
saw myself in the reflection of a pub window and I
was looking at a tramp. It was time to get a grip.
I had managed to get to the front door of
Addaction about ten times before, but had stopped
with my fingers on the handle and then walked away
again. I’d been so frightened about what was going
to be behind that door. I had burnt all my bridges
elsewhere and thought they would be negative
towards me too and send me somewhere else. When
I finally opened the door, it was the complete
opposite. The staff were so supportive and non-
judgmental. They saved my life.
That was the start of the journey. When I had those
first one-to-ones it was like a storm came out of me,
sharing everything – I’d never spoken about it to
anyone before. It was amazing having finally said the
words. They held so much less power over me. When I
arrived at Chy, the staff were equally fantastic. I spent
three months in the main house and three months in
the move-on flats in the same grounds.
For years I had a head full of negative thoughts
that I used as excuses for all sort of things. Treatment
took all those excuses away and there was nobody to
blame but myself. I took responsibility in a way I never
had before.
You think nobody cares about you – but until you
start caring about yourself, nobody will. You have to
believe in yourself and admit to yourself that you are
worth it. But you can’t do it on your own; you need
people like the staff at Chy to put that belief back
into you.
After treatment, I relocated to Cornwall and started
volunteering with Chy, doing painting, DIY, that kind of
thing. At the same time I did courses in maths and
English, which was another milestone in my life. I
completed a mental health awareness course and a
level two counselling course. I also volunteered for the
homeless service. I love being in the house telling my
story. I tell new residents how it i