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Darkside
Our resident gury of all things sexy,
London Kink Therapist, aka Sarah Berry, is
here to answer your questions and concerns.
If you’d like your letter answered, drop us a line
here at [email protected]
Dear LKT, Dear Laura,
I know it’s common knowledge that rape
fantasies are very popular with women but
I’m still struggling with mine. A few years
ago I was raped by my then boyfriend. We
hadn’t been going out very long and he was
angry with me and drunk, but not so drunk
that he couldn’t perform the act. While I was
shocked and hurt, I did go to the police and
he was charged. I expected, when he was
found guilty, that I would have closure. But
the thing is, some time after the attack, I start-
ed to have rape fantasies. I would relive it in
my head while masturbating. In real life, I’ve
been more cautious about sex and I’m won-
dering if I should try and relive the fantasy to
get my mojo back? I hear that lots of people
do this in BDSM. What do you think? What makes rape, rape is the lack of consent and
control over what is happening to you. In a
consensual, BDSM is all about a power exchange,
where someone is doing things knowing you get off on
them, rather than being over powered in rape.
Laura
via email
When you are having a rape fantasy in your head, you
are choosing the perpetrator and powering the
narrative. Even it is similar to what may have
happened, you are still driving events. You may not,
for example, experience the pain and emotions in
exactly the same way as you felt it when it actually
happened. If you weren’t aroused at the time but are
when you relive, this is an example of you changing
the events to reclaim it as yours and removing it from
recreating the trauma of the rape.
In real life, if you re-enact your fantasy. You would
have chosen the “perpetrator”, the time of the event,
given instructions and have control. If you want your
boundaries to pushed, you would are still able to say
no – probably in the form of a pre-negotiated safe
word – at any point. In order to submit and get off on
the moment, this requires trust and communication.
Unless they actually overpower you against your
wishes, this is not rape.
If, for example you are putting yourself in unsafe
situations by giving scant instructions to someone
Darkside • Issue 3