Dallas County Living Well Magazine Winter 2015 | Page 48

Middle Age Musings

Advice from Dr. Stanwix
I’m NOT the Cleaning Lady

Dear Dr. Stanwix,
My husband does nothing to clean up
around the house. We have been married for fifteen years and it seems that
he is getting lazier and lazier. He says
that I have higher standards of cleanliness than he has and he just doesn’t
see the need to have everything spic
and span all of the time. He also
claims that he has better things to do
than to clean the house. We both have
demanding jobs, and when he gets
home he likes to relax. He also likes to
dedicate time to his hobbies. Well, I’m
sorry, but that goes for me, too.
I believe that if we were to simply work
together we could have the place shipshape in no time. It would also be
easier if he were to simply clean up
after himself. Putting dishes in the dishwasher and wiping down the counter
with a dirty wash cloth are not what I
consider cleaning!
To be fair, he does do most of the
cooking. However, he makes such a
mess, that I would prefer to order out
half the time.
What can I do to get through to him
that I am not his servant?
Sincerely,
I’m NOT the Cleaning Lady

Dear I’m NOT the Cleaning Lady,
I understand your plight. This is a common dynamic with couples who have
been married for many years, especially if they are middle-aged. While men
in this age group are getting better at
helping out around the house, they are
still products of the family dynamic of
the 50s and 60s. Deep down beneath
their progressive beliefs about equality
for women lurks the notion that it is a
woman’s job to clean. This will hopefully abate in future generations. The
question is what to do with husbands
who still have this mindset now.
You certainly need to make it clear that
you are tired of this family dynamic. If
he doesn’t respond to that, then make
a list of the chores to do around the
house. Divide the house responsibilities based on what you both find the
most agreeable jobs. After that, take
the most disagreeable jobs and divide
them down the middle. You can post
a checklist of these jobs on the refrigerator and check them off as they are
completed each week.
He may be resistant to this at first;
however, if you stick with it, he will
eventually come around. It will serve
as proof of what you have done and
what he hasn’t done around the house.
When he sees this evidence, he may finally realize how much you have to do
to keep the house in order. You might

also want to tie this to some sort of
reward.
One thing you need to be careful
about: Many women feed into this
dynamic by being too demanding.
Men and women seem to have different standards of cleanliness. If you
want your husband to make a better
effort, then you must consider the standards you are holding him to. I’m not
saying you have to live in unsanitary
conditions, but if you’re a compulsive
cleaner, you can’t expect him to do the
same. You should also be careful to
not re-clean things that he has already
cleaned.
If none of this advice works, then I suggest you go on strike. He may be able
to live in squalor for a while, but he
will eventually break. The question is
how long can you hold out? If you follow this line, be prepared for a few
weeks of filth and disorder. If you really want to show him how bad a house
can get, maintain your resolve. Don’t
begin cleaning until he promises he
will help you every week.
Men can be like the family pet. They
may take a while to train, but, once
they know you mean business, they
will c