While you don’t want your child to feel bad about who she
is, which is shaming, nor do you want her to feel responsible
for things outside her control, which can induce anxiety,
reflecting on what he or she has done wrong and how your
child’s actions have affected another person will help a
child learn from his errors and motivate him to rectify the
situation.
Unlike the more primal emotions like sadness, fear,
and anger, guilt emerges a little later in life, as a child
begins to grasp social and moral norms. Children aren’t
born knowing how to say “I’m sorry,” researchers at the
University of Virginia found. Rather they learn over time
that saying “I’m sorry,” appeases parents, peers and even
their own consciences.
Of course, a child’s age and disposition need to be taken
into account. Some kids are more guilt prone than others
and may require a gentler touch. The point in encouraging
kids to reflect on the consequences of their actions is to
encourage self-motivated goodness. Here’s how.
Connect the dots between cause and effect. Proper
guilting connects the dots between your child’s actions
and his consequences. It’s important to focus on the action
and ways to repair the damage incurred without making
him feel bad about who he is. “Look, your friend is crying
because you took his toy,” you might say. “Can you give
it back to him?” More likely than not, you may already be
guilting your child the right way. But covering up a child’s
wrong without giving him the proper chance to reflect on
what he has done will lessen his motivation in the future
to avoid improper behavior.
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