5. Separate mistakes from who your child is. While
you need to tell your child what they did wrong, we don’t
want to identify who they are with their mistakes. Avoid
damaging remarks like, “Why do you always do that?” or
“What’s wrong with you?” Effective discipline always
targets the behavior and not the person.
6. Begin instruction with a positive comment. Before
pointing out what your child has done wrong, reference
something they’ve done right first. If your child has
snatched a toy from a friend, for instance, you might start
off by saying something like, “Remember how you shared
your toy with your sister this morning…”
Then, follow up with the instruction. However, instead of
saying “but,” try using the word “and” instead.
“Remember, how you shared your toy with your sister?
But what you’re doing now isn’t very nice,” for instance,
won’t be as encouraging and effective as, “Remember, how
you shared your toy with your sister? And if you did that
again right now, Brian would really appreciate it.”
Following up constructive feedback with a “but” often
negates the former positive statement and makes it sound
disingenuous. Using “and” provides a much more logical,
encouraging flow.
Criticisms have a way of stifling and stirring resentment in
all people. Remember that people in general are not creatures
of logic but of emotion. How much more is this the case for
our young children who too often have to hear criticism
from the very people they crave the most acceptance from?
Take it easy on your child. It’s not as easy to be a kid as you
may remember it to be.
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