Cosmopolitan June 2018 - Page 96

love & lust F*ckboys... Why Can’t We Say No? Got a guy on your mind, but you’re not on his? He’s a f*ckboy. But it’s not completely your fault that you keep falling for them... W e always want what we don’t have. I believe Confucius said that. Or Yoda. Well whoever it was, they knew the pull of the f*ckboy. It’s a zesty buzzword used to describe a guy who’s never quite in your grasp. He strings you along by giving you just what you need to keep the thirst going—be it sex, flirty messages, the odd outing—but he’s never quite yours. Which only makes you want him more. the phone now.’ Why? ‘Oh, ’coz she’s dead,’ etcetera. We’ve seen it before: hookup with a guy you’re not even sure you want to see again, and you’re suddenly in love—and he won’t return your texts. Why? “If a woman is attracted to a guy, this hormone aids the physical attraction,” explains psychologist Emma Kenny. “Oxytocin releases during orgasms, and is essential in bonding and connection.” WHY WE FALL FOR IT TELL ME MORE We’ve all dealt with one—I know I have, multiple times! They’re just so damn addictive. A dose of oxytocin is released with sex, and that’s what makes women feel closer to their companion. Team it with a f*ckboy and, well, ‘The old Mel can’t come to 96 COSMOPOLITAN JUNE 2018 The allure of the f*ckboy turns us smart, sassy, in-control women into confused, clingy and fragile people. How? It’s all to do with being raised in a society that places higher value on that which is more difficult to achieve. “The more difficult the chase, FOR MORE GREAT STORIES, VISIT COSMO.IN WHAT ABOUT F*CKGIRLS? We’re more than capable of being ‘f*ckgirls’. As Emma explains, the changes in female sexual empowerment in the last 30 years sees us just as voracious as men. “With sexual freedom comes positives and negatives, and many men have found themselves being ghosted or rejected by women who made them work very hard.” While it’s near impossible to ignore the other chemicals, it’s how we refine our behaviours within the relationship that makes the difference. According to Emma, if you’re in an awful relationship and realise this and leave, your learning has been successful; if you stay and you’re the one left, you’re more likely to repeat the pattern. However, “as long as our bad relationships teach us resilience, then even the most disappointing ones n have had worth.” A still from 10 Things I Hate About You the better the suspected outcome,” Emma says. “Of course this isn’t true at all, and if someone is making you feel that they’re out of reach, then it’s far wiser to let them stay there.” Well that’s all well and good—but then chemical two enters the scene: vasopressin. This bugger’s duty is to make us want to commit to ‘what’s- his-name’ who’s still asleep beside you. “This hormone wishes to make you return for more, and to feel positive about the guy you hooked up with,” says Emma. Even if he’s a f*ckboy and you’re a ‘smart girl’. “The idea that intelligence acts as a protector against bad choices is wishful thinking. Often, when we’re falling in love, we make decisions based on some of the stupidest reasoning we’ll ever formulate,” adds Emma. But while this is all happening to us ladies, the males are receiving the opposite effect: testosterone released during sex lowers their level of oxytocin response. They don’t feel the need to bond or commit—in fact, it makes them want to go and do said sexing more, and with more ladies.