I'm Flighty, Grandiose, Fun, Risky, Uncouth, and Uninhibited. Depression is a Dark, Hopeless, and familiar Hole that I always fall into, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I'm not a very angry person, I never have been. When I am up I am the greatest man that ever lived, when I am down I feel I am unworthy of this body, this thing I called myself. I also have periods of time where I'm just there; a combination of both or neither. I honestly thought that everyone rode the rollercoaster of life the same way that I did. I thought Mania was what happiness looked like and depression was my reaction to reality. But that's not all of me. I have long and short periods of calm in my life but It's plagued by the constant fear of myself. I can't trust my emotions. I find myself constantly having to be sure that the emotions I am having are appropriate for the situation I am in. A lot of the times they aren't, so I keep it to myself. I'm always afraid I'm going to jump into a manic state and stress out my family...but I never do It when I think I will...and I never know it's happening until it’s well underway. Describing it any further would just make me sad.
It doesn't help that I live in a world that doesn't allow me to be mentally Ill. The world that I live in the mentally Ill are weak, something I can never afford to be. I was a soldier, mental illness was a deficient of character. I am a man in America, emotions equate to femininity. I am a black man in America, mental illness is from drug abuse or lack of willpower. I was raised in a middle class family where mental illness is a luxury that we couldn't afford. It's almost poetic how struggling with my own disorder helped my break apart the stereotypes, misconceptions, and self governing boxes we put ourselves in.
People are not box shaped, so we shouldn't try to put each other in them. These boxes we've created make people feel like they need to be things that they are not. Refusal to get into the boxes we've been given is often misconstrued as non conformity or abhorrent behavior...when it is the most human thing you can do. I'm a complex man. I've been told that Bipolar Disorder is a mental illness, but right now I don't feel ill. My life has a different set a challenges than most people but I've accepted that. I embrace it, as it gives me a unique perspective in most things. If you are struggling with mental illness the first step is to get out of your box, your complicated life will be much easier to navigate without these restraints. SO don't sweat the people peering out at you from over the rim of their boxes, just stretch your legs, take your meds, and live your life.