Your Monthly Horoscope has been divined by certified forth-level otherworld astroreader Riquettebobbea.
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Virgo (August 22-September 23) Lobsters pee out of their faces, but they know better than to piss in the wind. Be smarter than a lobster. If you can’t be smarter than a lobster at least don’t pee on yourself.
Pisces (February 20-March 20) Be sure to avoid sharp objects-tomahawks, shark teeth, knives, tall grass. Proceed with caution. They are watching you.
Libra (September 24-October 23) You will find what you are looking for when you calm down and listen to the birds singing. Throwing 25 pennies into a wishing fountain gives you 25 wishes, throwing in a quarter only gives you a quarter of a wish.
Scorpio (October 24-November 22) When you laugh the whole world laughs with you. When you cry, the whole world laughs at you. Don't do that.
Sagittarius (November 23-December 22) Sometimes dreams come true, sometimes they are over when your alarm clock goes off. It's a good time to set goals for your love life, but think twice before trying to meet them.
Capricorn (December 23- January 20) No matter how hard you try, you can't make people do what they promised. No one cares when you beg. Begging is the worst form of flattery.
Aquarius (January 21-February 19) This month will test your ability to breathe underwater. Don’t fall asleep in the bathtub, especially if it’s not your bathtub. You may end up swimming with the fishes.
Aries (March 21-April 20) Take some time for yourself. Sit back, relax, let your hair down and feel the breeze. Unless you’re wearing a toupee, then you should hold on tight in any inclement weather or on a rollercoaster. Don’t ride the rollercoaster by yourself.
Taurus (April 21-May 21) The truth is out there. Don’t go outside. As a matter of fact, be sure to bolt your doors and board your windows because it might come crashing through.
Gemini (May 22-June 21) Hospital administration is always on the third floor. Don’t be afraid to sneeze and fart at the same time on a crowded elevator. You will earn respect.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You will feel the need for some extra conversation, but make sure you’re not just talking to someone who’s not there. People will think you’re cuckoo. Sometimes bluebirds fly south. Wear protective gear.
Leo (July 23-August 21) The night sky says silence your cell phone when in public or face possible physical retribution, especially if you have shitty music as a ringtone. Or the sky says just don’t listen to music.