contritions of the phoenix zine june, 2016-updated | Page 45

Behind The Scenes

-Uca

She sat down at the table in the breakroom. She was the real life DoratheExplorer, except her face was worn and obviously aged set behind her linear bangs. The conversation was rather dull until then. Mostly a bunch of complaining about the drudge of the day. She broke the monotony.

I live with my daughter. She won’t give me the code to the house alarm. She usually turns it off for me before I come home, but the other day she didn’t turn it off. Well, I am lactose intolerant but I wanted a cheeseburger from McDonalds. By the time I got home I needed to go to the bathroom. So I went into the house and went to the bathroom. I didn’t know the alarm went off-it’s one of those silent ones. So I am taking a shit and I hear someone knocking at the door. I was obviously busy, so I just ignored it, but then the knocking turned into pounding.

Then I hear ‘It’s the police! Come out now or we are breaking down the door!”

I wasn’t done shitting, but I had to go to the front door. I did the only thing you can do in that situation-I unrolled a bunch of toilet paper and shoved it in between my ass cheeks so I wouldn’t leak… (she made a gesture with her hands like describing water flowing down a winding stream) I pulled my pants up and went to the door.

The cop said “Ma’am, do you live here?”

I told him “I live here with my daughter.”

“The alarm was activated and we need the passcode.”

“I don’t have it my daughter is the only one who knows it.”

“Do you have any proof you live here?” the second cop said.

So I showed him my driver’s licence.

“Didn’t you hear us knocking on the door?” the first cop asked.

“Yeah, but I was busy.”

“Busy doing what?”

“Do you want me to tell you the truth?”

“Of course we do!” cop one said

(she rolled her eyes exaggerated in imitation).

So I pulled the toilet paper

out of my

ass cheeks and waved it in front

of the cops and said:

I was taking a shit!

“Have a nice day….”

So I went back to taking a shit ....

In peace and quiet.