girls and have the semi/almost sexual experiment, i was still not a lesbo. i knew i damn sure wasn’t bisexual because the info i had gathered about bisexuals was it was a cool parlor trick to turn on guys, and i didn’t want to kiss girls in front of boys. i can now see my ignorance but when you are only presented with certain information, how else are you going to learn?
my choice in boyfriends was different than the girls around me. it’s not that i didn’t find boys attractive, but what i found attractive in men was not so much body type or facial structure, i found character, humor, intelligence, creativity and challenge much more critical than the outside appearance. i married my exhusband because he was hilarious, smart, and so kind and he is beautiful.
my daddy died and that shook me to my core. when i finally saw what i was left with, when i could analyze myself and where i was i realized there were many things i had placed out of reach and that i only had that moment to get those desires and unspeakables down and live my life. i moved out and our kids stayed with their dad primarily, but i stayed around the corner so the kids just went between our houses. it took about 3 months to realize i was allowed to be curious and to see what this whole girl to girl thing was about.
**i should really explain something here that is totally out of the dateline...i had been working at a restaurant and met a lesbian who was the most wispy, feminine woman in the world- long flowing hair, makeup, very quiet voice. she was so kind to just talk to me about her journey and she just answered every question i had for her. so at that point i knew being a lesbian had nothing to do with a dress code or if changing tires was on your list of hobbies, but i still had no option for self analysis by my own choice. i wasn’t there mentally, emotionally or spiritually.
i was a bit of a bisexual disaster for a bit. then i was working with a guy who i was attracted to, which freaked me out because i was leaning very much toward signing my lesbian application. our relationship was one of the most enlightening relationships i had. he was a transman, and being with him taught me so much about myself. during that relationship i met my partner who quickly became one of my dearest friends. when we both got out of the relationships we were in and started looking at each other in a sexual light, we knew.
so i am now with a beautiful woman. we live like we have always been together. our kids tell everyone they have two moms and a dad. we all live together, except our oldest son moved and got hitched. our family photos look much different than those of the neighbors’ and we love that.
coming out isn’t something you go through once. there is a dread, a fear that resides in meeting new people. are they going to hit me? are they going to be cruel to my family? are they going to harrass our kids? but knowing myself and my household being proud of me is enough to face anything. our kids are social warriors demanding human rights, and that makes me accountable to be true to the core of me. yes, i hold my partner’s hand in walmart in the middle of the bible belt, i go to rallies and townhall meetings demanding we be count among the living, i push the boundaries and break the boxes. i am worth the dignity and respect.