Being a SAHM
While carrying my son peacefully in the womb
for nine months I dreamed of nothing but lovely
beginnings for us, filled with relaxing nursing
sessions, skin-to-skin bonding, and magical
afternoons spent rocking in the nursery. But my
entrance into the world of motherhood was far
from the dreamy vision I had conjured up. It was
turbulent and traumatic. Stressful and depressing.
8
inside of me. I began to evolve and become the
totally new women I was always meant to be.
My son, who will be two in September, is only
going to be little for so long.The pudgy newborn
feet transformed into bouncy toddler toes
quicker than I could think. This time in our life
together is but a blip. A strange and wonderful
space where time moves both leisurely and
swift, and if I blink I’m afraid I will miss it. Never
again will I get these moments where my son
reaches for my hand and wants me to walk with
him through the woods. He signs for “milk” and
wants to nurse while reading books in my lap. His
long eyelashes blink and twinkle as he stands at
the window watching his daddy outside. His tiny
little voice squeaking “uh oh” as he tosses rocks
into the ocean. How could I choose anything
else but that?
A planned for natural birth resulted in an
unnecessary cesarean after a very long labor
riddled with interventions and poor treatment
from the hospital staff. My first few hours as a
mother are forever lost in a sea of sleep and
pain. When I woke from the surgery, my baby
was in a plastic box on the other side of the
room. I barely remember the first time I held
him, wrapped tightly in the scratchy white
hospital blanket, as he cried out to be nursed.
My uterus was stitched back together but it felt
like my heart was split wide open.
I can’t imagine being anywhere else but with this
little boy who grew inside my body. We were
Our first few months were rough, as we struggled one that became two, he and I. I’m constantly
to breastfeed and I fell into a depression. I found overwhelmed with how much I can love him,
myself wondering time and time again why I had how m