COMMUNICATION: How To Flirt, Start Conversations And Keep Them Going? In Depth Guide to Approaching, Flirting and Dating | Page 85

The conspiracy not to tell
Marriages are often held together by a joint conspiracy
to limit communication. In many cases, an unspoken
agreement is understood by both partners at a deep
level—a level of fear, safety and security. Partners
conspire to restrict and filter their interactions because,
deep down, they sense the danger involved in
expressing themselves more openly. Once this pact of
limited communication is broken, the lid of Pandora’s
box can blast open and an explosion of issues that were
previously concealed can fill the air.
Open communication always forces unspoken needs,
hurts and resentments that lie beneath the surface to
spring forth. The stability and harmony that
noncommunication preserved are shattered once newly
voiced concerns break the calm. This disruption can
certainly be a positive factor in making a marriage
better, but only if the partners are prepared and
equipped to deal with the issues and conflicts that
erupt.
To chance such openness, you need strong confidence
in your spouse’s devotion and commitment to the
relationship. You need to trust that your mate is ultimately “with you” rather than “against you.” You have to believe
that he or she has your best interests at heart, especially when the two of you don’t see things eye to eye. An
atmosphere of safety and security has to exist so your opinions, needs and wishes can be revealed without threatening
either your integrity or the integrity of the relationship.

Sudden conflict
Within this context of safety, partners also need
confidence in their ability to negotiate and resolve
conflicts. It is essential to have a mutual commitment to
finding solutions that satisfy both parties. If I have faith
that my partner is invested in my happiness and wellbeing, then I can be free to communicate honestly without
the fear of being taken advantage of, ridiculed, degraded
or abandoned.
Apart from the safety of a secure relationship and
confidence in the ability to negotiate conflicts, couples
should be wary of simply “improving communication.”
The truth is, good communication in and of itself does not
make a relationship better. Instead, good communication
exposes conflict that when effectively dealt with, can
promote a more open and intimate connection.