COMMUNICATION: How To Flirt, Start Conversations And Keep Them Going? In Depth Guide to Approaching, Flirting and Dating | Page 60

(easily sidetracked, engaging in too much meaningless chatter, too much slang).
Compliments, on the other hand, are almost
universally welcomed, and do not have to be witty or
original. In an analysis of 600 verbatim compliments,
linguists found that they tend to follow a tried-andtested formula, with the word "nice" occurring in
nearly 25% of the compliments studied, and the word
"you" in almost 75%. In other words, you should not
be afraid of paying simple, unflowery compliments
such as "That's a nice jacket" or "That colour really
suits you", as they can be very effective.
Clearly, excessive use of compliments will make you
seem ingratiating, and your partner may become
bored with too much suffocating niceness, but of all
the ways you can bore someone, studies have shown
that this is the least offensive.
Males should, however, avoid paying women embarrassing or potentially offensive compliments. This is not a matter
of 'political correctness', but of basic social skills. Some men need to learn that it is entirely possible to convey to a
female friend or acquaintance that you find her physically attractive, without being crass or intrusive.
A simple, admiring comment such as "You look lovely (or pretty, or stunning)" is enough. Anything more explicit
will only cause embarrassment or offence. The body-language must be right as well: address the compliment to her
face, not to her chest, and without leering or what the Americans call 'elevator eyes' (eyes travelling up and down the
body).
Timing is equally important: there are times, places and situations where any comment on a woman's appearance,
however innocent, would be inappropriate and potentially offensive. It is not possible to list all these situations here,
but as a rule-of-thumb, only comment on a woman's appearance a) if you know her well enough (this kind of
compliment should not be used as an opening line, but only at a much later stage in flirtatious conversation) and b) at
times, places and situations where appearance is relevant – i.e. where it would be acceptable to comment on a man's
appearance. If the situation is not one in which you would compliment a male acquaintance on his flattering new
jacket or haircut, do not comment on a female's appearance either.
(Males please note: 80% of women think that they are too fat. In one American survey, women were asked what were
the three words they would most like to hear from a male partner. The most common answer was not, as expected, "I
love you", but "You've lost weight". While you should not make any comment on a woman's figure unless you know
her well, this compliment might please a girlfriend or close female friend.)

Listening
Good listeners have distinct advantages in the flirting stakes, but being a good
listener is not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk (although
this certainly helps). Good listening is essentially about giving good 'feedback',
which involves giving both verbal and non-verbal signals to show that you are a)
paying attention, and b) interested.
Effective non-verbal feedback signals include nodding, smiling, responsive
facial expressions and leaning forwards, accompanied by general positive body
language such as 'open' posture and posture/gesture echo. Good verbal feedback
signals include the use of expressions such as "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah"
to show interest or agreement and to encourage the other person to continue.
Research has shown that these basic feedback signals are highly effective in
winning friends and influencing people. They can even result in concrete,
tangible rewards: studies have found, for example, that candidates who give this
sort of feedback during job interviews are more likely to be successful than those