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FOCUS ON THE
FAMILY
Acknowledging Feelings
Written by Veola Vasquez
The key to helping your child feel
understood is to acknowledge his feelings.
Follow these steps to get more in tune with
your child:
Label the feeling
For younger children, the simpler label
you offer the better. Use words like mad,
happy, sad and scared. For older children,
more specific words help them to pinpoint
the exact emotion: disappointed, worried
and embarrassed.
State the reason for the feeling
Make your best guess as to why your child
feels as he does. For example, say, “It looks
like you’re mad because Mum said you
can’t have dessert today.”
Don’t judge your child
Your child needs to know that it is okay to
express emotion. However, at times you
may need to teach your child how to
express his feelings in ways that are healthy
and not hurtful to others.
Do’s and Don’ts
Do:
Support your child
Give physical support (hugs, kisses) and
verbal support by acknowledging your
child’s feelings.
Help your child understand why she is
upset
Help her to connect feelings with
experiences. Ask open-ended questions
about what caused the anger, sadness,
fear, etc.
Give your child space
She may need to be taken out of the
upsetting situation briefly to find a way to
calm down.

Encourage your child to
use words to express her
feelings. These should be
words used to describe
what your child feels
rather than words used
to hurt others.
Teach
your
child
empathy. When your child is angry or sad,
remind her that others often feel the same
way. Help her think of ways she might help
someone if they were feeling the same
emotion. She will develop empathy for
others and may find ways to help herself
in the process.
Don’ts:
Don’t try to fix it all
Allow your child to find ways to problemsolve and calm herself. She may need
time to figure out the best way to do so.
Don’t bribe your child to get her to stop
feeling upset
You don’t want to short-circuit your child’s
experience. She needs to learn how to
manage her feelings over the long term.
Don’t distract your child from her feelings
By acting as if nothing has happened or
avoiding negative feelings, we prevent
children from learning how to deal with
them properly.
Don’t punish your child
Scolding a child for experiencing negative
feelings will not only make her feel worse
but it will discourage her from having those
feelings — or being open about them.
Instead of discouraging the experience of
these emotions, it is crucial to encourage
the proper expression of them.
Don’t allow your child to hurt others with
their negative feelings
Children can say insulting things and, at
times, physically hurt others when upset.
Teach your child that it is never okay to
harm others.
Copyright © 2005, Focus on the Family.

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