FOCUS ON
THE FAMILY
Conflict With Your Teen
by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley
Good communication is vital during conflict.
When we asked 5,000 adults what they
wished their parents had done differently
during times of conflict, they gave these three
responses most often:
• They wished their parents had listened
more.
• They wished they could have talked
about feelings more.
• They wished they had talked to their
parents more.
And as this list suggests, good communication
during conflict begins with listening and not
with searching for solutions. Men especially
tend to pay little attention to what their loved
ones are saying, concentrating instead on
trying to fix the problem. That’s why we want
to emphasize that we need to listen first and
then look for ways to resolve the conflict. It’s
also why we’ll discuss techniques for finding
solutions.
Emotional Communication:
Listen with Your Heart
Do you want to know one particularly
nasty myth that keeps many people from
experiencing the tremendous benefits of
effective communication? Somewhere
along the way, they have come to believe
that real communication occurs when
they understand the other person’s words.
They equate effective communication with
accurately parroting back the words and
phrases they hear.
True communicaion usually does not occur
t
until each partner understands the feelings
that underlie the spoken words. People
generally feel more understood, cared for,
and connected when the communication
first focuses on their emotions and feelings
rather than merely on their words or thoughts.
It’s far more important to discover and
address the emotions beneath the situation
than to parrot the words we hear. Ask your
self, “What is the emotional impact of these
words?” not merely, “What exact words did
I just hear?”
Suppose a teen says, “I hate my school.
Everyone ignores me and I want to be home
schooled.”
What did she mean? Consider carefully her
two sentences. The teen used no “feeling”
words but all “thinking” words. So if you
reply, “So what you’re saying is that you
don’t want to go to your school any longer
and you’d rather be home schooled,”
you’ve completely missed the point. You’ve
accurately reflected to her the words she
just spoke, but you remain completely in the
dark about her real concern — you remain
in the “head” and we want you to move to
the “heart.”
But what if you listen for the emotions beneath
the words by listening with your heart? What
if you said, “Are you saying that you feel
ignored by the teachrs and the other
e
students, that you don’t matter?” Presto! This
time, you’ve “got it.” You listened beyond
your daughter’s words to her heart, to her real
con