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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY Conflict With Your Teen by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley Good communication is vital during conflict. When we asked 5,000 adults what they wished their parents had done differently during times of conflict, they gave these three responses most often: • They wished their parents had listened more. • They wished they could have talked about feelings more. • They wished they had talked to their parents more. It’s interesting that all three of those involve aspects of communication. And as this list suggests, good communication during conflict begins with listening and not with searching for solutions. Men especially tend to pay little attention to what their loved ones are saying, concentrating instead on trying to fix the problem. That’s why we want to emphasize in this module that we need to listen first and then look for ways to resolve the conflict. It’s also why we’ll discuss techniques for finding solutions. Emotional Communication: Listen with Your Heart Do you want to know one particularly nasty myth that keeps many people from experiencing the tremendous benefits of effective communication? Somewhere along the way, they have come to believe that real communication occurs when they understand the other person’s words. They equate effective communication with accurately parroting back the words and phrases they hear. But, in fact, good communication is more than that. True communica­ tion usually does not occur until each partner understands the feelings that underlie the spoken words. People generally feel more understood, cared for, and connected when the communication first focuses on their emotions and feelings rather than merely on their words or thoughts. Consider this the magic of effective communication. Our goal must go beyond understanding the spoken words to grasping the emotional nugget underlying the words. It’s far more important to discover and address the emotions beneath the situation than to parrot the words we hear. Ask your­elf, s “What is the emotional impact of these words?” not merely, “What exact words did I just hear?” Suppose a teen says, “I hate my school. Everyone ignores me and I want to be home schooled.” What did she mean? Consider carefully her two sentences. The teen used no “feeling” words but all “thinking” words. So if you reply, “So what you’re saying is that you don’t want to go to your school any longer and you’d rather be home schooled,” you’ve completely missed the point. You’ve accurately reflected to her the words she just spoke, but you remain completely in the dark about 14 www.coffeeshop.goss.com.au > BANORA POINT TO KIRRA > AUGUST 2014