Coffee Shop Goss Banora Point > Kirra Beach - August 2014 | Page 14
FOCUS ON THE
FAMILY
Conflict With Your Teen
by Gary Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley
Good communication is vital during
conflict. When we asked 5,000 adults
what they wished their parents had
done differently during times of conflict,
they gave these three responses most
often:
•
They wished their parents had
listened more.
•
They wished they could have talked
about feelings more.
•
They wished they had talked to their
parents more.
It’s interesting that all three of those
involve aspects of communication.
And as this list suggests, good
communication during conflict begins
with listening and not with searching for
solutions. Men especially tend to pay
little attention to what their loved ones
are saying, concentrating instead on
trying to fix the problem. That’s why we
want to emphasize in this module that
we need to listen first and then look for
ways to resolve the conflict. It’s also
why we’ll discuss techniques for finding
solutions.
Emotional Communication:
Listen with Your Heart
Do you want to know one particularly
nasty myth that keeps many people
from experiencing the tremendous
benefits of effective communication?
Somewhere along the way, they
have come to believe that real
communication occurs when they
understand the other person’s words.
They equate effective communication
with accurately parroting back the
words and phrases they hear.
But, in fact, good communication is
more than that. True communica
tion
usually does not occur until each partner
understands the feelings that underlie
the spoken words. People generally
feel more understood, cared for, and
connected when the communication
first focuses on their emotions and
feelings rather than merely on their
words or thoughts.
Consider this the magic of effective
communication. Our goal must go
beyond understanding the spoken
words to grasping the emotional nugget
underlying the words. It’s far more
important to discover and address the
emotions beneath the situation than to
parrot the words we hear. Ask yourelf,
s
“What is the emotional impact of these
words?” not merely, “What exact words
did I just hear?”
Suppose a teen says, “I hate my school.
Everyone ignores me and I want to be
home schooled.”
What did she mean? Consider carefully
her two sentences. The teen used no
“feeling” words but all “thinking” words.
So if you reply, “So what you’re saying is
that you don’t want to go to your school
any longer and you’d rather be home
schooled,” you’ve completely missed
the point. You’ve accurately reflected
to her the words she just spoke, but you
remain completely in the dark about
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