issue 36 working_Layout 1 10/2/2013 10:45 PM Page 25
happened to coincide with an online petition launched by one of
our many human followers to
have GWAR play the halftime
show of the Super Bowl in 2015.
Now this has got me even more
confused…one of the many
points of GWAR's existence is to
inflict torture and misery upon
you, so why would I want to
change the halftime show? What
could be more torturous than having to endure another agonizing
performance from the latest prefab pop star right in the middle of
a game you have waited all year
for? Play the Super Bowl halftime
show? Forget it! But to actually
play in the game…now that's
something I could get behind! So I
am formally challenging the entire
N.F.L. to a game of this so called
"Super Bowl"…you can use every
team, coach, and cheerleader
against us and our slaves, winner
take take all, and when I say all I
mean a large wad of used bandaids collected from old folks
homes through out the upper-midwest-coast-lake region of Outer
Mongolia.
There would be some rule
changes as well…the men must
play nude and blindfolded, and
they can use whatever weapons
they desire, as long as these
weapons are medieval in design…no guns allowed, and battle
axes are preferred. The field will
be littered with land mines, and
trained whalers will hurl poisoned
harpoons every time there is a
penalty for "unnecessary
touching". What could be more
entertaining than witnessing a
never-ending succession of idiotic
athletes and their bloated
idiotic athletes and their bloated
entourages being ground into
bloody pulp in the gaping gears of
our murderous meat-grinder? Possibly, just possibly, Woody Allen
being ripped apart by starving feral
hogs…hell, just make THAT the
halftime show. Now that's entertainment!
Bring back the old ways, the
ways of the rack, and the block
and the hammer and tongs! Let
the end zone be filled with the crucified dead as swarms of rabid animals are released…Strike a blow
for the forces of eldritch hatred
and sign this petition at
www.change.org/petitions/
the-national-football-league-allowgwar-to-perform-the-2015-superbowl-halftime-show.
OK, we’re back on board. We’ll
see if this technological wonder
known as the “dictate” button helps
me keep my deadlines. Such
wonders the machines give us. Just
wait until they rise against you, and
turn your flesh into ash. Until we
meet again it is Oderus, Master of
Earth, signing off with reminders of
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