Completely funny!
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor,
I have this problem with passing gas, but it doesn’t
really bother me too much...”
“It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter
of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been
here in your office. You didn’t know because it doesn’t
smell and it’s silent.”
The doctor says “I see. Take these pills and come
back to see me next week.”
The next week the old lady goes back. “Doctor,”
she says, “I don’t know what you gave me but now my
passing gas... although it’s still silent, it stinks terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor said, “now that we’ve cleared up
your sinuses, we’ll get to work on your hearing.”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid
of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the
house.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t!
Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just
contractions.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey
and …............. cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear
shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
I was at a job interview when the manager doing the
interview handed him his laptop and said
“I want you to try to sell this to me.”
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building,
and went home.
Eventually he called me and said “Bring my laptop
back here right now!”
I said “$200 and it’s yours.”
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to
Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping
backwards?
72 Complete Health
A receding hare-line.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the
bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for
college?
Bison.
Did you hear about the two people who stole a
calendar?
They each got six months.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10
from 90.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A wealthy man was on his deathbed.
With his wife by his side he says, “ after all my years
of hard work, I’ve finally made my millions, I need you
to promise me when I die, you will bury me with all my
money.”
“I will honey”, the wife replies.
He takes his final breath.
At the funeral, the wife leans over his coffin, holding
a briefcase of all the cash he asked to be burried with.
With a final goodbye kiss, she slips a check for his
millions into his pocket, and walks off with the case of
cash.