Completely funny!
“I went to my doctor and asked for something for
persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
“Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the
other side.”
“I said, ‘It’s serious doctor, I’ve broken my arm in 20
places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
“Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up
disguised as sport.”
“I got a package in the post last week, and on it it
said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick
it up?”
“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.
Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened
criminals.”
“When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in
concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll
out our greatest hits.”
“I needed a password eight characters long so I
picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
“My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye
West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday
destination.”
“About a month before he died, my grandfather
covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill
very quickly.”
“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying
to pull a fast one.”
“My mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an
Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn’t fancy her
chances.”
“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope
and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no
Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.”
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with
vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
76 Complete Health
“Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee
looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me”
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re
signing somebody’s cast.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so
many different levels.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that
they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little
bit of freedom.”
“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what
else is on TV.”
“I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You’ve got
hypochondria.’ I said, ‘Not that as well.’”
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing
pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a
pigeon.”
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception
there’s a picture of a pebble.”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a
game of charades.”
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a
woman’s body. Then I was born.”
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy?
I hear you ask.”
“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice
Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and
marshmallows - it’s a rocky road.”
“My granny was recently beaten to death by my
grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first”
“Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges,
my door’s always open.”
“Hedgehogs - why can’t they just share the hedge?”
“I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well
boring.”