Completely funny!
A man was running late for the office one day, so he
was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The
next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I’ve
just seen on the TV that there’s a maniac going down
the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It’s not
just one, it’s all of them.
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence
between their fields.
The first cow said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease
is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I
heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.”
The other cow replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect
us ducks.”
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a
Welshman, a Frenchman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a
Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian,
a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a
Romanian, a Bulgarian and a Swiss went into a night
club.
The doorman says,
“Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai”
John and Jessica were on their way home from the
bar one night and John got pulled over by the police.
The officer told John that he was stopped because his
tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry
officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right
away.”
Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen
when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So the officer asked for John’s license and after
looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired.”
And again John apologized and mentioned that he
didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of
it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state
sent you a letter telling you that your license had
expired.”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife
contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a
rather loud voice, “Jessica, shut your mouth!”
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and
asked. “Does your husband always talk to you like
that?”
Jessica replied, “only when he’s drunk.”
There were the two young Aussie blokes who had
arranged to meet down by the river to do a spot of
fishing. One of them was running late, so his mate
decided to start with out him. He was lying back on the
riverbank, fishing, with his line in the water and the
other end around his big toe. Beside him he had these
little black pills and was idly flicking them into the air.
Eventually, his mate came along.
“G’day, where have you been?” the fisherman asked.
“Had to do a couple of jobs for Dad. Hey, what are
those little black pills you’re throwing in the air?”
“Ah, they’re Smart Pills,” the first bloke explained.
“You oughta try some.”
“What do they do?”
“They make you smarter.”
So the second bloke took one. After a while he said
72 Complete Health
“They’re not making me any smarter.”
“Well, take a handful.”
So the second bloke did. He chewed them up until he
had black juice running all down his chin.
Suddenly he stopped. “Hey, these black pills are just
sheep dung!” he said.
The fisherman laughed, “I told you they’d make you
smarter.”
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a
Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of
control and was about to crash.
To their dismay, they discovered that there were
only three parachutes in the plane
The Irishman argued that he should be given a
parachute. He was an important politician upon whom
all hope of peace in Ireland rested.
The Welshman handed him over the first parachute
and he bailed out.
Next, the Englishman argued he ought to have one
since he was a very important businessman whose
death would result in the collapse of the English
economy. The Englishman silently put the straps over
his shoulders and he jumped out after the Irishman..
The Welshman now turned to the Scotsman and
handed him a parachute. ‘Here you are’ he said
cheerfully.
‘But what about you Taffy?’ gasped the Scotsman,
amazed at this unflinching heroism.
‘Oh, I’ll be all right Jock’ said the Welshman. The
Englishman took my backpack’.
Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the
convent and the last instruction from Mother Superior
is that they mustn’t get any paint on their habits.
After confering about this for a while the two nuns
decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint
the room in the nude. In the middle of the project, there
comes a knock on the door.
“Who’s there” calls out one of the nuns.
“The blind man” replies the voice from the other side
of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug deciding
no harm can come from letting a blind man into the
room.
They open the door....
“Nice boobs” says the man “now where do you want
these blinds?”
John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way
out in the country. On the first morning of the visit,
John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and
asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water
can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John
was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to
have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these
plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before,
those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started
to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie
down!”