GOOD
Continued from Page 1
keep their heads on a swivel or suffer
the pain of a snowball drilling you.
There would be 5-foot tall piles of snow
and everyone would play king of the
hill on them. Bodies were fl ying every-
where, nobody was safe, not even girls.
When the snow comes out, everything
gets better. I dare you to name a fun re-
cess without snow,
Tosto.
By far the best
part about the snow
is sledding. There
is no better feeling
than the wind blow-
ing in your face,
snow splashing all
around you, reach-
ing insane speeds as
the sled goes fl ying
down a hill.
The games you
can play while sled-
ding are endless.
You can build a ramp and see who fl ies
the farthest and the highest. Also, the
SANTA
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never actually shown his face.
It leads the common man to believe
he’s just hiding in the chimney and
waiting for someone to leave the room
because he’s too scared to start up a
conversation. He then takes a couple
bites out of some cookies that are left
out for him, but he fi nishes none of
them. That is a true sign of a coward.
Papa Snow leaves no trace behind
him, though. It’s almost as if he’s not
even real and our parents told us he
was real to enhance the Christmas
spirit, and the holiday as a whole. Just
kidding, that’d be preposterous.
Another thing to note is that Santa
does no work making the gifts and
has a bunch of elves build them for
him. What a fraud. This guy sits
around all year, fattening up while all
the elves are doing the work for him,
and then delivers the gifts that the
elves have been working hard on all
year. He then receives all the credit for
the entire holiday and doesn’t seem to
give any credit to his co-workers.
B ROTHE R R I C E H I G H S C HO O L C H I E F TA I N
classic race down the hill. However, my
favorite thing to do was have one kid
try to climb the hill while the others try
to take him out. Knees shattered every-
where. The snow truly brings out the
toughness in everyone. Except Tosto.
The snow makes Tosto soft and cranky,
like the Grinch. No one wants to be the
Grinch. Except Kunz.
Finally, snow brings the classic Christ-
mas songs. Without snow, there would
be no “Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer,”
“Frosty the Snowman,”
“Let it Snow! Let it
Snow! Let it Snow!,”
the list is endless.
Even a talentless Justin
Bieber was able to
write a Christmas song
because snow is that
inspiring.
Snow is, without
a doubt, the greatest
thing that falls from
the sky. Tosto is too
afraid to admit it. He
is the kind of kid who
likes Thanksgiving music.
The one day he “delivers” his gifts,
his reindeer pull him the whole way
while he just drops gifts down the
chimney, based again on the fact that
no one truly has ever seen the man.
Maybe Rudolph should be the hero
of Christmas. Leading eight other
reindeer and pulling a man who is
P AGE 2
BAD
Continued from Page 1
any less, as I slide out of my neigh-
borhood, at red lights, and through
Michigan lefts. The snow gives me
mental-health problems. Snow is going
to make your car ride half an hour lon-
ger than usual. Go crash your car into
another stop sign, Cole.
If you ever come across me on a
snowy morning where we didn’t have
a snow day (looking at you, Bloomfi eld
Schools), I’d walk the other way before
I walk down the halls like the Grinch,
ruining everyone’s already-dead spirits.
On top of it, everyone drags in this
nasty snow from the parking lot on their
shoes, and the hallways are a water
slide. I hope you fall, Cole. (Not really,
because you could probably break your
head open, and I’m not sure if I wish
physically harm upon you).
Snow is pretty on fi rst glance but
awful in its true form. All you feel is
snow down your neck and a cold, damp
breeze, just like Cole’s soul.
Dread it, run from it, you know it’s
true, Cole.
probably anywhere from a half-ton to
a ton in weight is an astounding phys-
ical accomplishment. He’s done it for
many years now, too, which is way
more impressive than sitting around
all year and taking credit for an entire
holiday.
Santa isn’t just a coward, he’s de-
lusional. Now I’m wondering when
Santa’s really going to pick up the
slack and start producing. The normal
human could see that if Santa contrib-
uted to Christmas all year we would
all be getting better gifts each year.
Santa always takes the easy route,
though. He does as little as possible to
get by.
The Chieftain apologizes if you take
offense to any of this, but it’s the cold,
hard truth. Again, I am a huge fan of
Christmas, but Santa’s true identity as
a coward recently dawned on me, and
more people need to understand this
to encourage him to pick up the slack
a little.
One can only hope that Santa will
produce big numbers this year and
be the real king of gifts, because, as of
now, he is the king of cowards.
D E C E M B E R 2018