BROTHER RICE
V OLUME 58, I SSUE 5
Chieftain
Snow: Good or Bad?
D ECEMBER 2018
Santa
Is a
Coward
Don’t believe the hype
about jolly ol’ St. Nick
‘The greatest thing that
Falls from the sky’ Just admit it, Cole:
‘Snow is pointless’
By Cole Gellatly
Chieftain Staff
Besides the time I crashed my car into
a stop sign on Telegraph because of the
snow, I am a huge fan of snow. No form
of precipitation beats snow. The endless
memories of making snow angels, build-
ing snowmen and having that one kid at
recess tackle it (you know who that one
kid is, and it was defi nitely Tosto), and
sledding down hills trying to lay out the
kids at the bottom are some of the best
things snow has to offer.
Tosto is a lunatic for not liking snow.
Go move to Florida with all the other
psychopaths. You’re a bigger coward
than Santa.
Some of my favorite memories in the
snow took place at the grittiest elementa-
ry school in Macomb.
Once the snow fell, recess turned into
an all-out war. There would be snowballs
fl ying in every direction. People had to By Trevor Tosto
Chieftain Staff
Snow is good for four things: Beautiful
scenery (rare), snow days, sledding, and
pond-hockey season.
Other than that, snow is pointless.
Every winter morning, I walk to my car,
freezing, and then, while the car heats up,
I’m wiping off last night’s snowfall, curs-
ing out every Hallmark movie that says
snow is magical. You already know Cole
is the type of guy to own each original
Hallmark movie on VHS.
Anyway, my hands end up shaking
blue as the snow is wiped off my wind-
shield onto my bare hands, and my socks
get wet, leading to a cold, uncomfortable
ride to school. I’m a night owl, not a
morning person, so it absolutely pulls me
over the line when I’m dealing with the
bothersome snow.
Moreover, the ride to school doesn’t
help my already temperamental emotions
See GOOD on Page 2 See BAD on Page 2
B R OTHE R R IC E H IG H S C H O O L C H I E F TA I N
P AGE 1
What if I told you that jolly ol’ St.
Nick was hiding fear and cowardice
behind that warm exterior he’s created
over the years? Don’t get me wrong, I
love Christmas, but the white-bearded
buffoon must be seen in the eyes of the
public for what he truly is.
The Chieftain will be the fi rst to
inform you that Santa Claus is, indeed,
a coward. It probably sounds insane
hearing that, but there are many facts
that will lead our readers to share the
D Shaffer
same belief as me, possibly.
Maybe.
Actually, probably not, but I will do
my best to share my reasoning.
The most obvious sign of Santa’s
cowardice has to do with one of the
things he’s notorious for. Santa sup-
posedly comes down everyone’s
chimney to deliver gifts to the lucky
people on the “nice” list, and coal for
those that decided to wreak havoc over
the previous year. If Santa comes down
everyone’s chimney, why has it not
been proven? That fi lthy coward has
See SANTA on Page 2
D E C E M B E R 2018