Chieftain Chieftain Christmas 2018

BROTHER RICE V OLUME 58, I SSUE 5 Chieftain Snow: Good or Bad? D ECEMBER 2018 Santa Is a Coward Don’t believe the hype about jolly ol’ St. Nick ‘The greatest thing that Falls from the sky’ Just admit it, Cole: ‘Snow is pointless’ By Cole Gellatly Chieftain Staff Besides the time I crashed my car into a stop sign on Telegraph because of the snow, I am a huge fan of snow. No form of precipitation beats snow. The endless memories of making snow angels, build- ing snowmen and having that one kid at recess tackle it (you know who that one kid is, and it was defi nitely Tosto), and sledding down hills trying to lay out the kids at the bottom are some of the best things snow has to offer. Tosto is a lunatic for not liking snow. Go move to Florida with all the other psychopaths. You’re a bigger coward than Santa. Some of my favorite memories in the snow took place at the grittiest elementa- ry school in Macomb. Once the snow fell, recess turned into an all-out war. There would be snowballs fl ying in every direction. People had to By Trevor Tosto Chieftain Staff Snow is good for four things: Beautiful scenery (rare), snow days, sledding, and pond-hockey season. Other than that, snow is pointless. Every winter morning, I walk to my car, freezing, and then, while the car heats up, I’m wiping off last night’s snowfall, curs- ing out every Hallmark movie that says snow is magical. You already know Cole is the type of guy to own each original Hallmark movie on VHS. Anyway, my hands end up shaking blue as the snow is wiped off my wind- shield onto my bare hands, and my socks get wet, leading to a cold, uncomfortable ride to school. I’m a night owl, not a morning person, so it absolutely pulls me over the line when I’m dealing with the bothersome snow. Moreover, the ride to school doesn’t help my already temperamental emotions See GOOD on Page 2 See BAD on Page 2 B R OTHE R R IC E H IG H S C H O O L C H I E F TA I N P AGE 1 What if I told you that jolly ol’ St. Nick was hiding fear and cowardice behind that warm exterior he’s created over the years? Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas, but the white-bearded buffoon must be seen in the eyes of the public for what he truly is. The Chieftain will be the fi rst to inform you that Santa Claus is, indeed, a coward. It probably sounds insane hearing that, but there are many facts that will lead our readers to share the D Shaffer same belief as me, possibly. Maybe. Actually, probably not, but I will do my best to share my reasoning. The most obvious sign of Santa’s cowardice has to do with one of the things he’s notorious for. Santa sup- posedly comes down everyone’s chimney to deliver gifts to the lucky people on the “nice” list, and coal for those that decided to wreak havoc over the previous year. If Santa comes down everyone’s chimney, why has it not been proven? That fi lthy coward has See SANTA on Page 2 D E C E M B E R 2018