8am: We pull out of the neighborhood
onto south coast highway with our
car stuffed to the brim with the last
63 days of our lives packed neatly
into 4 suitcases and 2 duffels. The
windows down and both of us staring
and taking in every last sense as if to
bottle up this
feeling and this
town so that
when its all
come and gone
we might be
able to uncork
it again and
smell the salt
in the air, hear
the rustling
of the palms, and see the long ups
and downs to my favorite highway.
Capture the blues that extended from
the water at your feet and melted
into the sky. You can basically pull
off at any point of the 101 and not be
disappointed at the beautiful view.
calm in my surroundings. And I sat
there and knew that these past two
months were one of the best decisions
of my life. I sat there and knew I
was somehow changed forever while
remaining exactly who I had always
been. I sat there and knew this was
home and that I
was only leaving
for a little while.
We kept saying
it felt like we
were taking a trip
to our parent’s
house instead of
returning home,
because home
was where we
were sitting that morning. Home
was where we had biked miles up
mountains to make taco Tuesday
happy hour. Home was where we
knew if you took the shortcut through
the trailer park you could sleep an
extra 15 minutes before work. Home
was where adventure was any way
you turned.
The chaos of the world
doesn’t stop spinning and
neither do we. We find our
own path and we adapt.
We pulled off on a red dirt cliff at the
top of La Jolla. We walked and sat
on the edge overlooking the railroad
tracks and waves crashing near it. It
was still early and during the week
so it was quiet and I felt that familiar
People are always afraid of change.
That’s what we all hear everywhere.
Change can be scary and change can
be good. I think it’s so scary because
as humans we want control over
our lives, over our circumstances.
And change is unpredictable. Yes
some changes are calculated but the
outcomes can never be predicted
with much certainty. It’s horrifying
and exhilarating and all the emotions
knotting up your stomach in the best
and worst ways.
When I heard the word catalyst I kind
of left it with science and chemistry
where I had first heard it. But a
catalyst is a change or a driving force
toward change. This sounds powerful.
This gives change a meaning and a
direction and a deliberate choice. And
while the world changes around us,
wouldn’t it be nice to call the change
a catalyst that drives us toward
bettering our lives and ourselves. And
through it all people may question
you and your actions, hell you might
even question yourself. But what is
life but finding out who we are and
our place among all this madness.
It’s not a linear equation it’s not an
equation that can be calculated on
paper. I think happiness comes from
within. I think it comes from looking
in the mirror and understanding
yourself. The good, the bad, the
flaws, and the strengths. Seeing what
you need to change while remaining
the same. The chaos of the world
doesn’t stop spinning and neither
do we. We find our own path and
we adapt. Sometimes change means
leaving places…people…mindsets.
Sometimes it means chasing a dream
you find out isn’t what you want at
all and sometimes it’s finding exactly
what you were always looking for.
Sometimes it’s beginnings and
sometimes it’s ends. But I think the
idea is finding that place where you
aren’t afraid to really look in that
mirror and ask the tough questions.
Who am I? Who do I want to be?
What are my flaws? What do I want
to do? I’m not saying I have the
answers to all of these or that anyone
really ever does. But I think it’s about
having the courage to really look, to
ask, and to search for the answers. In
this I think we find happiness and
comfort in being our own catalyst.
S I X T Y
T H R E E
93