This is caring
Elizabeth
Second prize winning poem , This was not in the plan
My son is thirty , he has a beard and is much taller than me , but it has occurred to me we have the kind of relationship that someone of my age might be having with their grandchild . That ’ s when I think , ‘ This wasn ’ t the plan .’
Christopher is on the autistic spectrum . He lives in a residential home , but he comes home every weekend and he lived with us until he was 18 . I have three children and he ’ s the eldest .
It ’ s hard when you first find out . Obviously , you don ’ t know right away , he was a beautiful baby , but there were niggly little things at age two and three that didn ’ t seem right . I had fears that he wasn ’ t developing as other children were , but he was my first child so I had nothing to compare it to .
It can have a huge pressure on a marriage . That was hard , it ’ s ok now but I know a lot of marriages can ’ t cope with the added pressure . Fighting to get the right education for him was also hard . He went to the local primary school and that was just about ok with the help of a one-to-one assistant . He couldn ’ t have coped with the local secondary school so he went to a special school , we had to fight for that .
It was hard juggling looking after him , my other two children and trying to work as an English teacher . Christopher took up a lot of time and energy . The affect on our other children has been profound . They got neglected quite a bit . Family outings could be horrendous and they worried about bringing friends to the house . But I also think it ’ s made them more caring and empathic people .
I still look after Christopher as though he were much younger . I tell him to look both ways before he crosses the road , every single time . He ’ s often in a dream world . There are nice things about that as well , he ’ s got a lovely sort of innocence – he doesn ’ t know how to lie .
One of the things we like to do together is walking . The poem is about walking one Sunday afternoon near where we live . Christopher often talks about things from a world of books and films . He ’ s got an incredible memory and will reproduce stories word for word . While we walk , I try to engage him with things around us using Beatrix Potter characters .
My husband , David , and I are both quite high achievers , he went to Cambridge and I got a good degree . I suppose when
Christopher was first born I imagined that he would end up having a professional life . I would have just assumed it , but you revise your ideas a lot as you go along and it ’ s not the most important thing at all anymore . I really just want my children to be happy . I think overall Christopher is reasonably happy .
I ’ ve recently started doing a part-time masters in creative writing for therapeutic purposes . I don ’ t think I would have done that if it hadn ’ t been for my experience with Christopher . After not writing for years , I ’ ve been reading poetry and writing a lot too . It ’ s been a real lifesaver . That wasn ’ t in my original plan , but it ’ s a good thing .
Most of the time I ’ m just getting on with things , but now that I ’ ve stopped working , I actually have time to think . I do think Christopher ’ s autism has changed all our lives . It ’ s different from what I might have imagined , but it ’ s not all bad .
6 carersuk . org