My Journey – Single Again
By Dea
It’s been one year and three months since I started my new journey. After 27yrs (4months shy of being 28 yrs.) I'm single again. I haven't been single since I was 20, Im now 49, I will turn 50 this September. Even then (back when I was 20)
I’d never been on my own, I've always lived with someone. This is the first time the only ones living with me are my kids.
I am both scared and excited to be on my own for the first time in what seems like forever, lol. I am renting it with my own money, the only help I'm getting is from Section8. We get 1,470 a month, so we only get 117 for food support they think that’s enough. Rent is 615.00, our portion is 329.00 a month. It all looks good on paper, but we all know what it really goes down. Funny how they are ok with me listing my cable bill as an important item but no category for buying and washing clothes.
I am doing pretty much the same as when I was with my Ex, but it’s been a an adjustment, like I figured it would be, just not in way I expected. Like when I go to the grocery store, I will spot things I normally would get for him, yet don't need to now. Due to unforeseen circumstances he is temporarily staying at my place.
I'm used to paying the bills, setting up appointments, you know things like that. It’s what I did before the separation, what makes it different is I'm now head of house. I get served first ( but as mom I make sure the kids have enough and make sure they eat first), I can chose more things I like and the kids are good with that, most times.
Looking back, I should have stepped away from that relationship a long time ago. He mentally suppressed me and made me feel like I wasn't valued, by anyone. I withdrew inside myself. Like a turtle I would hide in my shell, avoiding people. It got worse and my home(s) got messy. I didn't have physical or mental energy. This did not happen overnight. No, and part of me saw it, trapped behind sound proof glass. Screaming a warning never heard, till too late. In the last twenty-five years I've been through more than Id wish on most anyone. And when I finally break away, get on my own. Stumbling as I deal with things alone, but still going on, he ends up needing help and I can’t help myself. But the stay is only temporary.
I have grown and learned how to not let myself be mentally controlled. First I had to realize I was being mentally abused. It is worse than any physical damage that's been done to me. Just because they don't touch your body don't mean they aren't being abusive. Just this last year he apologized to me, He finally realized what he had been doing to me all those years. Albeit late, was great to finally hear that from him.
Though I have still a way to go, onward, forward toward this new journey I go happily to find out where the path will lead me.
Own place town-home, with a new lease on life also ahead.