I remember the moment I first saw the written words “chronic depression” written next to an ICD-9 code. I stared at it, in disbelief. I could not be one of those people. I could not be one of those people with “chronic depression.” I did not understand it. So, I hid it. I kept it to myself. I suffered. I suffered alone and in silence.
Then something changed. I started to understand it. I started to accept it. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that this is an illness. I started to be able to say that I have an illness, but I am not an illness. I have a chronic illness that is sometimes barely there and sometimes all encompassing. I’m working toward living with this as best I can.
Below, are ten things that it’s taken me ten years to learn to say.
1. I’m doing the best I can.
2. I can’t snap out of it, so please don’t ask me to.
3. I know exercise would help, thanks for telling me to go to the gym. If I could, I would. I will when I can; there will be a time that I can.
4. When I experience depression or anxiety, I feel broken. I know that I am not broken.
5. I may need a minute or an hour or a day to get something simple like washing the dishes done. I have to be gentle with myself. I have to be gentle with my mind. The laundry may need to wait till tomorrow, while I go for a walk today.
6. Sometimes I have to say “no” instead of always saying “yes.”
7. I don’t want to be alone, disappear, slip between phone calls, to disregard text messages, but sometimes I need to. If I cancel on you last minute, it’s not because I wanted to. It’s because I had to.
8. I want you to understand depression is an illness. Anxiety is an illness. Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I’m not. I don’t choose this. I do choose self care. I choose medicine. I choose avoiding triggers.
9. There are things that help. Writing helps. Journaling helps. Talking helps. Friends help. Listening ears help. Distractions help. Having a support system helps. Medicine helps (me).
10. People understanding helps. Eliminating stigma helps. I should not be embarrassed because I get sick sometimes just like people with other chronic illness should not be embarrassed when they are sick.
I hope by sharing the ten things I’ve learned to say, I can help others accept that this is an illness. A chemical illness. A treatable chemical illness. People with depression and anxiety should not be embarrassed, but should be supported.
by Jessica Daw