Dear J.L.
I’ve been divorced for four years and I have 2 sons an 8 year old and a 6 year old. I’ve recently become serious with my boyfriend of 2 years. We are thinking about moving in together, My ex and my family object because he is white and I’m black, and they don’t believe he can raise black men. I find this absurd, am I being naive?
It’s not absurd for them to have concerns about how your new man will relate to and interact with your boys. But race has nothing to do with it. Their racial prejudices are old-fashioned and shortsighted and if they think that he’ll have nothing to offer your sons as a White man who hears the whispered rumblings of racial bias and its pitfalls from the other side, they are the ones being naïve.
Your family and ex are behaving as though they are not a part of the equation. Your new boyfriend is not raising your children in a vacuum – you are there, and so are they. First of all, where your ex is concerned he is not absolved of his co-parenting duties just because you have a new love any more than you would be yours if he took a new lover. So with that said remind him that HE will be raising Black men with you and with the help of your new beau. Your family should be familiar with the aphorism “it takes a village to raise a child” so encourage them to be a part of this child rearing they are so concerned about. Your new beau will bring perspective as a part of the entire quilt of knowledge and covering that shield, protects and surrounds your boys. He is but one patch in that quilt- but as long as you are cohabitating and he is in the home he is a patch. Finally for everyone who still won’t be persuaded remind them that this is YOUR life and that this man makes you feel happy and fulfilled. There’s a phrase among many younger mothers “Better Me, Better We” it means that when I am healthy, happy and fulfilled I can give the best of me to my family. I encourage you to seek your happiness and let your children and your family benefit accordingly. Whether they like it or not you’re all a part of your boys journey so make it a joyful one. I wish you well.
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