BLANCK MAGAZINE ( THE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE) Blanck Lite- THE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE | Page 9

Anger
and guilt got the best of
me. My inability to seek justice for Kene ate me
whole. Many times I picked up a pen to draft
official complaints, seeking answers as to how
Kene died not of TB but acid reflux… Reflux?!
How? Why? Did the nurses on duty the night
before ensure the feeding tube was properly
connected? Did they check that the liquid meal
she was consuming was entering into the right
place? The autopsy was inconclusive and the
coroner acted really shady. The dismissive way
he responded to my queries, made me feel there
was more to what happened to Kene.
I tried to move on with my life at some point
but time after time, I would fall back into my
shitty moods. These moods became frequent
and prolonged. I was mostly ashamed to talk
about it because people expected me to be over
Kene’s passing already- it’s the way the world
works. There’s a set period mourning is meant
to be tolerated. So, while I pretended to the
world that I was this strong girl who saw air
snatched from her friend’s lungs, deep inside, I
was falling deeper and deeper into depression.I
contemplated suicide… even though, I wasn’t
that brave- it was an option on my table.
This loss pushed me to my edge; anger filled the
vacuum Kene’s absence left; the constant feel-
ing of guilt, shame and hopelessness became
my default mode. I walked around with a con-
stant frown on my face, the line between love
and hatred for me thinned until it became none
existent. When I had an encounter with any-
one, I wanted to do the most damage- to leave
an unforgettable mark.
My anger grew and as the years progressed
and while it helped me achieve and overcome
some difficult challenges, it destroyed my rela-
tionships. Once I broke up with my boyfriend
because he made an insensitive comment about
Kene and I. “The way you talk about this Kene
girl, are you sure, you guys weren’t more than
just roommates?” he blurted one evening,
while I was telling him a story of a time Kene
got so drunk and peed on our bed. I woke her
up and out of embarrassment she started cry-
i ng. To make her see it wasn’t a big deal I peed
on the bed too. We both laughed so hard at our
disgusting behaviours, it was unforgettable.
We set the mattress on fire and when people
asked what happened, we lied that bed bugs had
invaded our room. “of course we were more than
roommates, she is my sister!” I retorted “Indeed!
Sister or lesbian partner” he replied with a stupid
smirk on his face. “Get out!” I yelled, my anger
turning into rage in minutes- it scared him. He
never returned and I couldn’t care less.
As time went by, I learned to internalise my an-
ger, I turned to writing. After years of existing in
my head and consciously ignoring the existence
of others, I told myself I could do without peo-
ple. Once, I convinced myself that I am my only
best friend now, my friendships thinned out. I
was quick with my tongue and lashed out at my
friends and colleagues- their explanations land-
ed on deaf ears.
Grief is a healthy emotion until it mixeswith the
anger. For me, it became a burden and a force
capable of menace.
Healing!
Over the years,
I’ve taught myself to be calmer, to be less quick
with my tongue and words, to praVctice restrain,
to be kinder and tolerant. I’ve learned to walk
away, to distract myself, to smile. Sometimes, I
slip up, but my episodes have become rarer as
I’ve matured.
Depression and anger fuelled by grief when un-
controllable can morph into a serious mental
illness. It can bring about emotions that make
you physically sick, causes you to self loathe, vi-
olate others or even self-harm. Furthermore, you
may feel the need to isolate yourself and uncon-
sciously be in a constant state of unworthiness.
This mood further affects your sleep, appetite
and your general wellbeing which may eventu-
ally stopyou from getting on with daily activities
and interferes with your home, work life and re-
lationships.
For some of us, traumatic events in our lives can
trigger them, but for some they gradually creep
up going from mild to severe. If you find yourself
in a constant state of hopelessness, please talk
to someone. Even if you don’t experience any
of these symptoms, ‘Ask Twice’ how the people
around you are doing- you may just be saving
a life.
9 / BLANCKLITE / OCT 2018 / www.blanckdigital.com