He wanted a woman who could listen quietly, even if she thought he had the most ridiculous ideas.
He was emotionally absent and if I did something that he didn’t appreciate, instead of speaking about it, he would remain silent for days. I was too aggressive. I told him EVERYTHING I didn’t like plus some. We were no longer building a friendship, we were building walls.
When he saw that the job prospects in Abu Dhabi weren’t sufficient (if you know anything about the employment landscape of Abu Dhabi for many Africans, you’d understand this clearly). He planned to leave for a few months to begin work on a project in Sierra Leone, while I remained with the children. This is common for many African couples. It was the example his father set. He’d go on these month-long diamond trading expeditions while his wife remained with the children. The problem was, I wasn’t his mother and he is not his father. I have a career and working full time with two young children abroad was my reality. Additionally, I am not an African woman who was raised to believe or understand this idea. For me, a father is an active part of the home and he and the mother work together to raise children. This issue was the beginning of a tumultuous time in our relationship. And while and untimely, almost deadly illness solved this problem, I am sure it will rear its ugly head again.
Managing
Ultimately, we have managed. We have managed to remain together because of his belief in marriage and my willingness to identify some issues as simply cultural differences. I am learning to embrace the idea of forever and what that truly means. I am learning that divorce is not a viable nor acceptable option in our case. We have managed because I realized the idea of an African King and his idea of The Good Wife were both unrealistic. Right now, we focus on our reality. Two different people who have been destined for some GREATER purpose. It is our job to focus and discover what that is, even if it takes a life time.