BARDO Magazine Issue 1 Issue 1 - Page 20

Guy Lapointe, along with Teddy and Ally, are approaching Pippy Hill, toting guns as they come closer to their respective targets. Mr. Tusk is woken by Howard Howe, who - AND I SHIT YOU NOT - is now sporting his own walrus suit. Fleetwood Mac's Tusk booms in the background as the two walrus-men fight it out, like actual walruses. This is the point when I realized this movie transcends cinema in a way we've never seen before. Finally, Howe sheds his walrus suit and prepares to deliver the final blow with that walrus dick bone, and that's when Mr. Tusk finally goes full walrus and gains the upper hand. Just as he's stabbing the fuck out of Howe with his tusks, Ally and Teddy burst in and see this blood soaked beat who used to be Wallace Bryton. I can't help but wonder what they were thinking while they filmed this scene. LaPointe stumbles in with his gun and they play it off like he's about to shoot him. Cut to black, and fast forward to a year later.

Ally and Teddy enter a wildlife sanctuary and, as it turns out, Wallace Bryton is still alive and sewn into his walrus suit. They throw a mackerel into his new-and-improved walrus enclave and as he devours his fish, we get one last flashback: Ally tells Wallace "It's okay to cry. It sepaerates us from the animals." A tear runs down Wallace's face as his former girlfriend walks away, and we're to assume the point is "Wallace isn't full walrus after all." Cue the sad rendition of The Water Is Wide by Gerard Way (fucking weird, right?) as the credits roll.

So what can I really say about this movie? There is no movie out there that is as fucking wacky as this movie is. Kevin Smith has finally left his slacker comedy comfort zone, to make the most bizarre movie of 2014, and it was totally worth it. This feels like a new Kevin Smith, one that writes from his own imagination rather than from his life experiences. And there couldn't have been a weirder movie to make that change. However, it didn't do well at the box office (though that might have something to do with the fact that it was only screened at 600 theaters) and it was panned or ignored by most critics. And the thing about this movie is that I totally get why. This movie is not for everyone. If you don't like fucked up bizarre shit, this movie isn't for you. If you don't like Kevin Smith, this movie is not for you. If you don't wanna see Michael Parks or Johnny Depp chewing the scenery, this movie is not for you. But if you like any of the shit, then maybe you'll like this movie. I know I sure did. ∆

'Tusk', Theater Release: September 19, 2014 (USA)

On DVD & Blu-Ray: December 30, 2014