Badassery Magazine October 2017 Issue 17 | Page 49

I
t started as a feeling that
the world was not what it
seemed. That everything was
going in cycles, and I was hyper
analyzing everything. Then the
fear and paranoia set in. I was
afraid of everything and every-
one. My mind was racing, some-
times with brilliant thoughts
about the world around me and
how things were changing for the
better, but mostly thoughts that
made no sense at all, like frag-
ments of conversations that were
imagined, with unknown voices
in my head. I would ask a ques-
tion and he or she would answer.
Or the voice’s would tell me
things that to this day I still don’t
know if they are true or not. I
could hear music coming from
things like the heater, fridge, fish
tank and anything that made
unintelligible noise. I could not
eat. I could not sleep. The lack of
sleep started affecting my senses.
I started seeing things, like evil
shadows slithering around the
room. I would spend hours walk-
ing around in circles and pacing,
while the thoughts and voices
in my head kept racing a mile a
minute.
With every child I had, it hap-
pened within the first two years,
again and again. With my first
two kids it was mild and only
lasted a week or so. I was not
on medication because I was
afraid to tell anyone that I was
hearing voices and seeing things.
So it went undiagnosed and in
a moment of clarity I signed my
two kids over to custody of their
father. Somewhere deep down
in the murky churning waters of
my mind I knew I could not take
care of them. I knew something
was wrong with me but I did not
know what to do to get better.
I knew the symptoms of post-
partum depression but this was
different and so much worse.
I tried to sleep but I was plagued
by shadow demons that kept
slithering around the room in the
corners and over the walls. My
newborn baby, only four or five
days old started crying. I could
not react, I was immobilized
with fear as I watched the shad-
ow demons slither over him, and
then he was not my son anymore.
He was a demon baby, the shad-
ow demons took my son and left
this wailing baby demon in his
place.
I don’t know how long he cried
. It brings tears to my eyes now
thinking back, knowing that
he was crying because he was
hungry, and I was supposed to
be caring for him and I could
not because of the overwhelming
thoughts in my head and the fear
I felt. My husband came home
from work early and my son was
saved from me. It’s hard to say
that without feeling like a hor-
rible mother and complete fuck
up.
I was put in a psychiatric hospi-
tal three times before my family
and the doctors could figure out
what was going on with me. I was
afraid to tell the psychiatrist that
I was seeing shadow demons and
having conversations in my head
with people that were not there. I
was finally diagnosed with Post-
partum Psychosis when I told the
doctor that there was evil satanic
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