This “ is the worst , most contentious divorce I ’ ve ever seen .” Judge looked at me with steely grey eyes , and the words hung in the air like smoke . FUCK . Seriously ?
Silence from opposing counsel , from his client , from the observers in the gallery , only the hum of the air conditioner . That was among the concluding remarks at my permanent custody hearing , yet another where I acted as my own attorney .
Having been completely cut off financially , not having worked in more than a decade , I could not afford representation . I didn ’ t set out to represent myself ; I assumed like everyone else I ’ d hire an attorney to handle everything . I expected a few hearings – maybe 5 or 6 . Most contentious … ever ? After about 30 hearings ( I ’ ve lost count ) over two years , perhaps that ’ s apt . I didn ’ t know – I ’ d only been divorced once . Nothing I ’ d seen previously , no discussions about others ’ experiences , could have prepared me for the hell my divorce would put me through . I didn ’ t realize the amount of research or prep work – or the recalcitrance I ’ d encounter , the refusal of OP ( opposing party – a . k . a . the x ) to disclose required information to me . I didn ’ t know how many hundreds of days would find me experiencing a lethargy that seemed to emanate from the marrow of my bones , a weariness from having to engage in a battle not of my making again and again … and again , no end in sight .
Should I have relinquished my property and spousal support claims – my rights under law ? Hell no . And so , since the only other option was completely untenable , and since formal representation was not possible , I took the third option : becoming my own advocate .
Battling the emotional side of the extreme trauma of my tumultuous separation , and realizations of how bad my marriage actually was ( both stories for another time ), and the effects of the identity of worthlessness conferred upon me during my marriage , I began to engage in my core again . My entrepreneurial core . My Old Self – who I ’ d forgotten about . My intelligence and ability to educate myself , which I considered strengths and counter to a victim mentality . The one who was perhaps more arrogant in her youthful naiveté , but who nonetheless had left her confidence by the roadside a decade or more ago . I began to awaken , to merge my younger Self with my current Self to create a new hybrid identity . And in the midst , I learned to approach the entire process as a series of business transactions with an extremely hostile asshole of an adversary .
I fell back on two or three staunch friends with whom I could bare my broken soul and who I knew would not reject me . No , instead , they would speak as often as I asked the words they knew I needed to hear : you can do this ; you ’ re doing the right thing ; don ’ t give up ; yes , you are worth this .
I found sayings that spoke the truth of what I needed to learn about myself . My favorite ( I cannot find it again to properly give source credit ; forgive me ):
I am strong ; I am capable . I take care of myself with love and compassion for my human failings , knowing that I am enough .
I am enough . Am I ? I used to say this in rhythm , mull over it as I walked from the parking garage to the courthouse . Because words are powerful . Because someone else believed it . And perhaps by saying it , some day I ’ d believe it about myself too . Fake it till you make it ? In a manner of speaking . This growth has been painful , exerted upon me by outside forces . Painful , yes ; but it has not been fruitless .
If I had to give advice to my younger just-separated Self , I might tell her the following :
1 . Have good friends . Sometimes family isn ’ t what it ’ s purported to be . Have friends to whom you can say the hard things , especially to correct them . I have had to stop people from assuring me that this , too , shall pass . Or that it ’ ll get better , or easier , because in this situation those things are categorically untrue , and it is counterproductive for me to even allow them to say these things to me . Don ’ t tell me it will cease ; empower me for the next battle , and the next .
2 . This is not for the faintof-heart . I don ’ t know how to convey just how excruciatingly laborious handling a contentious divorce is . To keep a clear head when being attacked in questioning by opposing counsel
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