THE FAKEST CRY I'VE EVER SEEN."
And that was when I learned that
tears were not acceptable. Weak-
ness was not allowed. Sensitivity
was bad. Feelings, or rather the
wrong feelings, made me unlov-
able.
This is the memory that sprung into
my mind without hesitation when
asked if I could go back in time.
I wish I could go back and tell my-
self this:
"YOUR PAIN IS REAL.
You have a right to feel it. Don't
hide it. I believe you."
I wish I had heard that when I was
younger. See, just five years later
(and maybe earlier) I would be-
gin starving myself. I would bury
my feelings and emotions so deep
inside that I wouldn't be able to
find them again for decades. I re-
member the night during inpatient
treatment for anorexia that I ran
through the woods, fingers ripping
at tree bark and slamming rocks far
into the distance ahead, all while a
scream wrestled itself loose from
deep inside me and burst over the
trees. I collapsed on the ground
after this fit, my first real tears
erupting to the surface, leaving
me feeling like a breathing, dead
thing. THAT was when I started to
feel again, and by starting to feel I
started to LIVE.
I didn't learn this until I was sup-
ported by the staff at my inpatient
program for anorexia. An RPA in
particular held me as I sobbed and
she told me that it was ok to cry.
She was the first person to give me
permission to cry. Now, I give my-
self that permission.
Please - give yourself permission
to cry, to feel, to be sensitive.
I KNOW THIS PAIN, AND YOU ARE
NOT ALONE. YOU ARE HEARD,
YOU ARE BELIEVED, AND YOU
ARE LOVED.
FEELING TAKES COURAGE. SO
DO TEARS. THEY DO NOT MAKE
YOU WEAK OR UNLOVABLE, AND
THEY ARE NOT FUCKING FAKE.
My name is Taylor Lee and I’m an abstract artist who creates paintings for peo-
ple who feel pain - those people who want validation so they know they are not
alone and are instead heard. I do this because I know this pain.
People tell me that my art looks like a celebration. I am celebrating - celebrating
the fact that I survived. I struggled with an eating disorder for over ten years,
and surviving it has made me strong in ways that I never imagined were pos-
sible. I have experienced much pain at an early age. Due to this, I approach life
very thoughtfully and this reflects in my process of creating art.
taylorleepaints.com
Taylor Lee
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