I had to stand up for myself in
more ways than one. I had to
believe I was worth more than
a one night stand or a punching
bag emotionally and physically. I
had to find out who I was again.
Once my divorce was final just
5 months after I had kicked him
out. I had more energy. I had
started finding me again. I went
wild which I know realize that
I was in mania, but could not
identify because in all that time
I had not been in mania ever. I
was always on the depressive side
of the spectrum. I did to start to
feel better, lose weight and be
the social butterfly that I had
never been. I took massive risks
that later kicked me in the butt,
but you have to live and learn.
Finding myself again in the
midst of mania was like living
years of experiences and failures
in a very short time. The changes
I had gone through were MAS-
SIVE. I was starting to LIVE
again and not just go through
the motions of life. I was starting
to discover who I was. I finally
had my own likes and dislikes. I
found myself in health relation-
ship again that was not without
problems of its own. The feeling
of being a piece of SHIT was
slowly lifting.
I crashed and crashed hard after
the mania. I still had the chaotic
environment and chaotic mind
and until that changed my life
could not completely change.
It was hard to want to be the
beautiful social butterfly I was
but at least I wasn’t in a pile of
blankets in my bed. I started
making to do lists because just
getting to a doctor I would totally
forget or blow off. I MADE my-
31
self complete at least 3 tasks on
it a day. After a few weeks of this,
I started to feel like I accom-
plished something even though
in my fucked-up brain it wasn’t
enough. I did feel better though.
I started to get to the doctor ap-
pointments and fighting for me
to have the proper meds. I did
not want to ride the roller coaster
of highs and lows anymore.
As time passed, I started to
complete more and more on my
to do list. I started to get rid of
the clutter in the house. To free
up the space and things that I
did not need I was holding onto.
Most of those things were holding
me in the past and I needed to
be in the future. My boyfriend
was a DJ for the game Kingdom
of Loathing. I often was a guest
on his show and at times design-
ing my own play list. Listeners
and DJs alike encouraged me to
apply to be a DJ. It was stressful,
overwhelming and scary but I hit
that SEND button. To my de-
light, I was accepted for the po-
sition of FNG or fucking new guy
for Radio KoL. I was excited and
terrified. I finally loved some-
thing passionately even if it was
just for fun. It gave me back the
love for work and socialization.
About a year later, there was an
opening for the assistant hu-
man resources/public relations
administrator. I applied. I was
TERRIFIED, but EXCITED
all at the same time. Butterflies
swirled in my stomach. When I
got the job, it set me on a whole
new path of discovery. That guess
what you can do these things,
you are NOT a FAILURE. It
started boosting my self-esteem
further and further thanks to the
support of the boyfriend, listen-
ers and fellow DJs.
Through this position, I learned
to put myself out there. I learned
to juggle being a leader, a moth-
er, and just a regular DJ. The
music had ignited a passion in
me that hadn’t been there for
years. I had listeners and trac-
tion in that field. But there was
still more missing from my life.
I had to have a bigger purpose
than that. I kept growing as
a person. I learned how to do
graphics to advertise the DJs that
were on the next day. It was fun
and exciting to help.
About nine months ago, I was
talking to my neighbor who was
a director and consultant for a
direct sales company. She was
constantly saying that you could
improve your life and the lives
of your children by becoming a
consultant. There was a special
at the time where you could sign
up for a $1 and get the website
free for the month. You got now
products or business supplies.
She said she did not know how
the Facebook parties worked, but
I knew I was good at research
and learning and tried my best
to make the direct sales work
for me but instead it was like I
was making less than a penny
an hour and giving all my par-
ty ideas and work away. I was
unfulfilled and miserable. I was
becoming angry and resentful. I
was going back to my old ways.
It did not help that during this
time, I was going through a new
medication adjustment period.
My emotions were all over the
place again. I know say I am
swinging from the chandeliers
when the mood swings hit.