H
ow did I get from the
dark end of the tunnel
to the light? It wasn’t
an easy path or a straight path
for me, but it was a path I had
to take to become the me I am
today. It is essential for me to
share with you the struggles and
triumphs, in order for you to un-
derstand the destination. I want
you to know that you can reach
the light at the end of the tunnel
like I have.
I know I am always talking about
how I started 5 years ago, but I
think I need to go back 20 years
for you to understand how I
reached the point that I was at 5
years ago. I have always known
I was different in how I thought,
felt and understood things. Since
the age of 9, I had deep feelings
of loneliness, not being wanted,
low self-esteem, self-sabotage
and as well as not wanting to be
here. I did not understand at that
time that I had Bi-polar. The
moment I was diagnosed at the
age of 20, I felt like I now know
why I feel like this but great now
I am forever damaged goods. It
also gave me a light bulb as to
why I felt unwanted, different,
unloved, and why I did not fit
in anywhere including my own
family.
This is where the downward
spiral began for me. Finding the
right combination of medications
is trial and error and was nearly
impossible. At the time, I was
in college full time, worked full
time and in the most intense re-
lationship of my life. I was in the
fourth year of college in a new
school. Moved back to the place
I was born in and found all the
friends I had were scattered and
had moved on in their lives. The
new relationship I was in was fun
and exciting as well as taking me
places where I had never been.
I still felt alone because work-
ing full time, going to school full
time, and the intense new rela-
tionship where taking up every
minute of the day. My parents
were not a part of my life. I had
my grandparents and extended
family but I felt isolated from
them due to my mental illness.
I could not make any good
decisions. I changed majors 3
times in the matter of one year. I
moved in with the boyfriend after
only three months of dating. My
ability to focus, concentrate and
critical think were gone. I was a
shell of who I was.
The relationship was moving
forward at lightning speed. By
month four, there were already
cracks in the relationship. The
control and mental abuse were
rearing its ugly head. I left and
came back multiple times be-
cause in truth, I felt like a failure.
I was staying with him because
he said he loved me and who
would ever want to love damaged
goods?
As time passed, I quit school, my
job, stopped seeing my family as
well as friends and resorted to
staying in bed all day every day.
The truth is I started to believe
that I was no good person as he
was telling me. The abuse went
from mental to physical then
sexual as well as dealing with the
alcoholic he had become. I still
felt that it was my fault and be-
cause I was damaged I could do
no better. This was the worst, I
had ever felt in my life. It was so
dark all around me. I was only a
fraction of my former self. By the
end of the relationship, we had
gotten married, had 3 beautiful
girls and been together, and hit
rock bottom after 15 years.
After the third time of him
cheating that I knew of, I had
finally hit the breaking point
especially since I had 3 girls
watching me let him abuse me
and walk all over me. They need-
ed to know this was not normal
or okay. I was scared shitless but
on my mom’s birthday where I
had always mourned her I fi-
nally said enough is enough and
kicked his ass to the curb where
it belonged. I knew it was going
to be an uphill battle if I was ever
going to be even half of my po-
tential. I honestly did not know
how I was going to function after
that, but I knew I had to learn.
I started getting out of the house
almost instantly. Some of it was
to avoid all the pain and ago-
ny, but most of it was because
I wanted to socialize and feel
like a human again. I started
living and breathing on my own
with no one’s consent or order.
Things were still in chaos but it
was a different chaos. I actually
knew that I was a shell of who I
was meant to be. I was here for
a purpose and I was complete-
ly missing it. I still had things
to learn because it was if I was
learning social graces all over.
At first, it was like I had “loser”
written on my forehead. I had a
serious of bad relationships or
meaningless relationships. One
of the relationships, almost killed
me and my children. Enough was
enough. No more letting myself
be the victim.
30