Badassery Magazine February 2018 Issue 21 | Page 73
B
eing an entrepreneur/in-
dependent business own-
er is thrilling and scary and
nerve-wracking and amazingly
satiating at the deepest levels of
my soul. It validates and authenti-
cates so many parts of my journey
– even some of the nonsensical
ones or the really, really hard ones.
I can use skills and apply lessons
learned in new and nontraditional
ways. Outside the box, like I talk-
ed about in a previous article of
my musings. Merging and conflat-
ing things that normally wouldn’t
go together…making them fit and
work for me, the way I want them
to. It brings order into my world
of chaos, and the longer I am at
this gig, the bigger and stronger
the ‘order’ portion gets over the
‘chaos’ portion. It…well, I’m getting
ahead of my point.
The metaphorical emotional roll-
er-coaster of this independent biz
owner gig sends me on highs and
lows most days, and often in quick
succession, and many times from
one extreme to the next. One mo-
ment I could be riding high, having
gotten a good vibe from a con-
sult, or a new client signing on, or
having my words published. The
next could see me low: what the
fuck am I doing? Why am I putting
myself through this? I suck! What
made me think I was good at this,
or that I could make this success-
ful?
The doubts. The denigrations. The
tearing down of my own self-con-
fidence – which then deeply im-
pacts my own self-efficacy. What
have I learned? How do I handle
this? Read on, Paduan.
First, I know these times will come.
I know this. It is an immutable fact
of this wonderful, excruciatingly
hard-yet-fulfilling life. And so I’ve
stopped trying to prevent them
(I used to which led to feelings
of failure and futility and despair
when they would come anyways
despite my most ardent efforts). I
do not any longer expect that I will
reach a point where I am perfect
enough to not doubt myself at all. I
have accepted – more, embraced
this. And so when they come, I call
them out: hello (sigh), yes I see you
there again; walk with me a little
while, so we can figure this out
again. And I dialogue with her. In
doing so, I calm her down because
I authenticate her too. She is part
of me, and I cannot deny her, else
I deny what I’ve become around
and in spite of and directly be-
cause of her.
Second, I breathe. And breathe
again. As many times as it takes,
I breathe. Even if it feels as if my
throat is closing off, actively pre-
venting this coping mechanism.
Even through the tears that some-
times come – whether frustration
that I am here (again, dammit!) or
just allowing the feelings to over-
whelm for a moment.
A moment. Or a few – that is all.
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