PARENTAL ADVICE
Many times, my son’s advancements pop up without
ever being on the radar. Things like bringing me a toy
that I pointed to or understanding when I tell him it’s
time for bed are actions I didn’t even consider before
they happened. They occurred naturally and never
even entered my mind as possible goals. One day he
didn’t do them. Another day he did. He figured it out
all in due time.
In other words, I couldn’t fathom telling myself on
New Year’s Eve, “This will be the year that Lucas brings
me his empty cup when I gesture to it.”
Why would I do that? People don’t project goals like
that. They seem minuscule when talking about “new
year, new us.” Grandiose plans at the start of the year
are supposed to be, well, grandiose. They involve
major moments and changes that, deep down, we
know are extremely difficult. In many cases, those
bigger goals are built upon the smaller ones that we
don’t even consider as the calendar turns to January.
The biggest issue, though? Resolutions for the new
year are supposed to be about willpower. Your
pledges to eat better or take a ventriloquism class
are more about overcoming fears or pushing your-
self to the next level. When it comes to advance-
ments in your child’s life, the obstacles aren’t simply
matters of “pushing through.” They’re issues that, in
many cases, run much deeper than that and aren’t
as easy as overcoming a mental roadblock. They may
eventually be reached, but if you haven’t, it doesn’t
mean that you just haven’t tried hard enough. It just
means you have to wait a bit longer to see if they do.
For some, the doomed resolutions are the same, but
more self-directed. “This will be the year I teach him
to speak.” It’s the same flawed scenario, only now it’s
directed inward and does so much damage for no
reason. It was never a matter of needing to buck-
le down and just teach them better. It’s not about
holding yourself accountable for something you’ve
had no control over. It’s natural growth and, for that,
there’s no set timeline.
There’s an inherent need to approach things that
way, though. I think we all silently hope that we can
just look in the mirror and say, “OK. That’s it. No more
playing around. A year from now, my child will catch
up to everyone. This is the year.” In the moment, it
10 | Autism Parenting Magazine | Issue 71
feels like a positive step in a positive direction. As the
next 365 days tick down, though, the story dips each
time the sun does. It’s the main reason we ask for the
wisdom to know what you can and can’t change.
Even if you can change certain aspects of your child’s
progress, whether he/she is on or off the spectrum,
assigning a time frame to it only sets you up for dis-
appointment. It will lead to missing the actual ad-
vances that are happening right under your nose,
while you wring your hands with regret over the one
that you’ve convinced yourself has to happen before
the ball drops the following year.
Being a parent is hard. Whether your child has au-
tism or doesn’t, it takes work, time, and dedication to
push on day after day. Most mornings you drag your-
self out of bed to make breakfast, and most nights
you collapse to the floor underneath a pile of dirty
clothes and bedtime stories. Why add unneeded
stress and potentially unattainable goals on an unre-
alistic timeline to the equation?
If you’re going to make a new year’s resolution this
year, why not pledge to cut yourself some slack?
Whatever will be will be, and as long as you’re doing
your best, all year long, you’ll see the fruits of your
labor. There’s no reason for a new you in a new year
if the old you is already working as hard as possible.
James Guttman has been writing
for 15 years and introduced his
blog earlier this year. James writes
about parenting both of his chil-
dren (one nonverbal and one non-
stop verbal), self-reflection, and all
that comes with fatherhood. His mix of humor and
honesty aims to normalize the way people view
raising a child with special needs and show that we,
as parents, are all basically the same, regardless of
the children we’re raising. You can like his page on
Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
Blog: https://hiblogimdad.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/HiBlogIm-
Dad
Twitter: @JamesGuttmanWWi