Jottings of weeks before he was due to stand trial for another crack cocaine offence . When Norris realised he was being followed he sped away , then abandoned his car and ran away on foot . Officers ran after him through playing fields , although they were not sure exactly who he was until they saw “ Norris ” written on the back of his rugby shirt . After arresting him , the officers retrieved a package he was seen throwing away and found it contained crack cocaine with a street value of £ 860 .
School Daze
Officers arrived at Ashwaubenon High School in Green Bay , Wisconsin , early last month after a parent called to say they had seen someone walking through a back door carrying a bag and wearing what looked like body armour and a mask . Students were evacuated and another nearby school was placed on lockdown as armed officers searched the area . But the alert ended when officers realised the suspected assailant was a child who had dressed up as Darth Vader for Star Wars Day , an annual celebration on May 4 . (“ May the fourth be with you ...”)
The school ’ s head teacher Brian Nelson said he would speak to students about the incident because Darth Vader costumes , “ are not part of the dress code .”
At the cutting edge
Researchers at France ’ s space medical institute are advertising for what could be , quite literally , a dream job . They are seeking young , fit and healthy men to spend 60 days flat on their back to study the effects of microgravity , a state of virtual weightlessness , and be paid € 16,000 for doing so . Applicants must be non-smokers , have no allergies and boast maximum body mass index of between 22 and 27 . They will undergo a battery of tests for two weeks before and after spending two months in bed .
Dr Arnaud Beck of the Institute for Space Medicine and Physiology near Toulouse says during the 60 days , they must remain in bed , the head slightly inclined downwards at less than six degrees , and must eat , wash , and perform all bodily functions while lying in bed . “ The rule is to keep at least one shoulder in contact with the bed or its frame ,” he explained .
Meanwhile during April , a new advert for Burger King ’ s signature sandwich , the Whopper was sabotaged by Wikipedia users . The TV commercial starts with an employee holding the burger saying , “ You ’ re watching a 15- second Burger King ad , which is unfortunately not enough time to explain all the fresh ingredients in the Whopper sandwich .” He continues , “ But I ' ve got an idea ,” and proceeds to query the name using Google ’ s voice recognition software . “ OK Google , what is the Whopper burger ?” This triggers the automated system to read out the Wikipedia entry for Whopper , which Burger King says was seen as “ an opportunity to do something exciting with the emerging technology of intelligent personal assistant devices .” However , Wikipedia entries can be edited by anyone and some naughty scallywags amended the Whopper entry so that interested consumers were told the product contains cyanide , rat meat and toenail clippings . Google now ignores anyone asking about the Whopper .
Just plain weird
In March , Wesley Pettis , 24 , charged with damaging 60 trees in Utah in 2016 , was ordered to probation and counselling . This followed his defence that the trees had hurt him first .
Specially for masochists , it ’ s now possible to download Donald Trump ’ s voice for your car ’ s GPS system . Advice includes , “ You have reached your destination - let ’ s make navigation great again !”
A US company called Blacksocks has introduced Calf Socks Classic with Plus , a pair of socks with an Internet connection . The smartphone app can help you colour-match your socks and tell you , among other things , whether it ’ s time to wash them . Ten pairs for just $ 189 .
A woman who bought teacakes from a Tesco branch in Kent found that one had a special message for her . Iced on the top of one were the words , “ I want your sex .” The supermarket explained , “ One of our colleagues was a little too creative in the bakery on their last day in store .”
A life-size cardboard cut-out of UK prime minister Teresa May is available on Amazon for £ 37.70 . One customer review of the product reads , “ Not very strong or stable .”
And finally ...
Michael Garland Elliott of Oregon , who died last month at the age of 75 , was no fan of US president Donald Trump . As he lay dying , he had one final phone call with his former wife , Teresa , with whom he had maintained a close friendship . The local newspaper recorded her final words to him , adding that he then took his final breath and passed away , a happy man . She told him , “ Donald Trump has been impeached .”
Quotes
News of the retirement of the Duke of Edinburgh from public life later this year has triggered lists of some of his memorable gaffes , including these .
On British tax rates : “ All money nowadays seems to be produced with a natural homing instinct for the Treasury .”
On the Soviet Union : “ I would like to go to Russia very much , although the bastards murdered half my family .”
On the Royal Family ’ s finances : “ We go into the red next year . I shall probably have to give up polo .”
On the recession : “ Everybody was saying we must have more leisure . Now they are complaining they are unemployed .”
To a British tourist in Hungary : “ You can ’ t have been here that long — you haven ’ t got a pot belly .”
To a driving instructor in Scotland : “ How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test ?”
To a British student just home from trekking in Papua New Guinea : “ You managed not to get eaten then ?”
To Elton John : “ Oh it ’ s you that owns that ghastly car is it ? We often see it when driving to Windsor Castle .”
To dance troupe Diversity at the Royal Variety Performance : “ Are you all one family ?”
To the President of Nigeria , dressed in traditional robes : “ You look like you ’ re ready for bed .”
On his daughter , Princess Anne : “ If it doesn ’ t fart or eat hay then she isn ’ t interested .”
On his own 90th birthday : “ Bits are beginning to drop off .”
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
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