Aug/Sep 2020 Aspire Magazine FULL Issue Aug/Sep 2020 Aspire Magazine FULL Issue | Page 61

“True self-esteem
is not based on
achievements, abilities,
or appearance.”
– TINA GILBERTSON
True self-esteem is not based on
achievements, abilities, or appearance.
If you point out their accomplishments or
positive personal qualities, people with low
self-esteem can agree with you, intellectually.
“Yes, I guess I am loyal to my friends.” “Sure,
I’m a decent golfer.” But such assessments
don’t really touch them at their core. Their
low self-esteem remains stuck where it is,
because it goes deeper than the level of
behavior, which is where achievements and
good deeds reside.
The Opposite of Shame
Healthy self-esteem can best be described
in terms of its opposite, which is baseless
shame. What we call low self-esteem
is experienced as a chronic feeling that
something is wrong with us. Despite the
absence of any firm evidence, there it
is anyway, the secret slogan of low selfesteem:
There’s something wrong with me.
If your self-esteem has been injured, you’ll
recognize this sinking feeling. Its real name
is baseless shame. It’s the type of shame
that lives at the core of a person, feels like a
part of her, but has no basis in reality.
Shame is imposed on all of us, mostly
unavoidably, by normal socialization and
conditioning. “Don’t eat that! It’s dirty.” “Would
you stop that racket?” “Look what you did to
your dress.” Because our behavior doesn’t
always get a positive reaction, we learn
early in life that we’re acceptable if we meet
certain conditions. When we fail, we develop
shame. It can be argued that a certain
amount of shame is good for us; it keeps
us from doing things that are considered
antisocial, inconsiderate, or immoral. You
might call this other type “functional shame.”
It serves the function of steering us away
from inappropriate behavior.
Functional shame is not the problem. The
underpinning of low self-esteem is a vast
store of baseless shame — shame for which
there is no good reason. Where does all that
shame come from, if it has no basis? And
why is it still hanging around now that we’re
not children anymore?
Parts of ourselves that are damaged when
we’re young don’t spontaneously regenerate.
Instead, they become more fractured over
time. What you were able to tolerate at age
twenty-five can feel overwhelming by the
time you’re sixty-five. Self-esteem is one of
these components that don’t spontaneously
heal. I wonder how many midlife crises are
really emotional wounds from childhood that
surface after a prolonged period of neglect.
But there is a way forward, and for many
it means confronting the devastating lie
“There’s something wrong with me.”
You started your life with healthy selfesteem.
Infants generally enter the world
emotionally intact. They don’t think they’re
better than anyone else, but they don’t think
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