Aug/Sep 2020 Aspire Magazine FULL Issue Aug/Sep 2020 Aspire Magazine FULL Issue | Page 53

A few months into the marriage, I noticed
“urgent” bills coming that weren’t mine.
Curiosity got the better of me, and I opened
one. My husband owed thousands of dollars.
I was floored. I didn’t know how that could be
possible. Because of my poor background
and my horror at being wasteful, I went into
a state of shock. Anger pulsed through me.
How could he have spent all that money?
He was a gambler, and I had no clue.
I missed all the warning signs out of
innocence (and frankly, convenience — it’s
easy to shut out what we don’t want to see).
It slowly all became clear: the times my
debit card was declined at the supermarket,
the relatively new car that always seemed
to need expensive repairs...The dread I
felt, understanding that addiction can have
a lifelong hold on a person, made me
desperate. I knew recovery was possible.
But I wasn’t sure he wanted to pursue it.
Out of despair, I booked a meeting with a
counselor. His name was Phil, and I called
him Dr. Phil, like the TV host. I loved our
sessions, sitting in the big comfy chair with
the small hole in the armrest that I’d play
with when Dr. Phil challenged my victim
loop: “But I don’t have family in this country!
I need to stay! I can x the issue here. He just
needs my support!”
He’d say, “You came all the way to Australia
on your own — you even paid for the
passage yourself. You seem to have a nice
career you’re creating. Don’t underestimate
your competence.”
Reread this last sentence: Don’t
underestimate your competence. Whatever
statements you repeat to yourself, your mind
will find reasons to back them up. Whatever
you think repeatedly will attract more
Whatever statements
you repeat to yourself,
your mind will find
reasons to back them
up. Whatever you
think repeatedly will
attract more thoughts
just like it.
thoughts just like it. That’s how beliefs are
formed. The brain is our most powerful and
obedient resource. Say it out loud:
“I won’t underestimate my competence.”
Take some deep breaths.
Now we’re a little more ready to tackle our
victim loops. We all have them.
A victim loop occurs when someone has
the same problem over and over and takes
no responsibility for it or makes no plans to
change it. The solution is to be accountable
for the problem and apply action to solve it,
what we call an “accountability loop.”
Dr. Phil made one thing clear that I already
knew but needed to remember: what I’m
not changing, I’m choosing. Learning that I
HEALTH & WELLNESS
53