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The funny thing is , I used to joke that I would have to get hit on the head to “ wake up .” Then , I had an accident which resulted in a head injury , and my awakening process began with a monumental jolt .
I think that I knew , deep inside , that there was more to me than who I was being and expressing . I strove , I struggled , I achieved . I worked , and worked , and worked ― and it was never ever enough . Consciously , I wasn ’ t aware of how far I was from my true self , but there was a subconscious or unconscious knowing that came through in jokes like that one . Some part of me was asking for change ― and the Universe took me literally !
I wonder , sometimes , whether I would have needed that whack on the head if I had been even a little more aware of and open to the fact that there was more to me than my personality . Hopefully , by reading this story , you won ’ t need to be “ woken up ” in such a dramatic fashion !
Our essential nature can and does give us a depth of experience that the personality never can . As I practiced bringing myself into a place where I could access an essential aspect of my nature instead of the contrived personality aspect , I was struck by the quality of my experience . The sense of peace , well-being , and freedom was incredible . For example , the difference between relaxing into the essential aspect of strength and having to “ be strong ” was palpable on every level ― physical , emotional , and spiritual . One was peaceful , flexible , and comforting ; the other felt hard , sharp-edged , and exhausting .
So , why do we spend so much more of our time and effort on the false self ? Because to be in essence we must be willing to see the whole truth of who we are ― light and shadow , positive and negative .
As a person who values truth and authenticity , it was tremendously painful to me to see how much of my life had been lived from a place of inauthenticity . How had I spent so many years pursuing the exact opposite of my heart ’ s desire ? And how much time had I spent trying to be “ strong ,” when all along I could simply relax into my essential aspect of strength ? Each Enneagram personality type has a unique way in which they “ fall asleep ” and let their personality take over ; I was completely oblivious to the ways in which I was abandoning my heart in favor of achievements and recognition .
Seeing this imbalance between being in personality and being in essence brought me to one of my first [ spiritual ] dilemmas . If it was so easy and natural to embody our essential states , I wondered , why didn ’ t we just live there all the time ?
The answer came , in part , from our group sessions [ in the Diamond Heart ]. When we began to explore our self-images and object relations ― i . e ., transposing our past experiences or relationships onto our current ones ― I felt a whole new layer of unfolding happen within me . I began to see how many self-images I had , and how many the other people in my group were facing . We challenged each other to look at our self-images by providing feedback on what we saw in one another , and pointing out
WISDOM & SELF-GROWTH
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