Aspire Magazine: Inspiration for a Woman's Soul.(TM) April/May 2020 Aspire Magazine FULL Issue | Page 80

Help your child
navigate what they
are going through.
2 Ask yourself:
“Is this for me?” (be
honest with yourself about whether what
you want is about YOU or for them).
3 Act:
Stop pushing, controlling and
nagging. Take actions to empower your
kid to navigate life, not navigate you.
Real Life Example:
Let’s say you have a kid who keeps waking
up in the middle of the night, and that’s
triggering you. We’ve all been there!
A lot of times, that waking is stemming from
fear. They’re afraid and need you to come
do XYZ for them. But by the third or fourth
time, the knee-jerk reaction for most people
is to start to lose it. But that only leads to
more fear and more panic. The disconnect
from you scares them more than the monster
from their dreams!
The other extreme doesn’t work either: “I’m
never going to sleep again because what you
want is more important than what I need.”
Some of us fall into that because we grew up
in a Demand Parenting household and we
want to be closer to our kids.
So, the Relationship Development Parenting
process goes like this:
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Serve them. Help your child navigate what
they are going through. Master your state, so
you do not SNAP in the middle of the night,
and you can be there to bring your best self
to help them navigate the moment.
Then, the next day, outside the moment,
start working with them to understand what
is causing the kerfuffle and work together to
figure out what they need.
When we make it about us, and say things
like, “You can’t wake me up five times in the
night. I work hard all day and I can’t do this
without sleep.” All you are doing is trying to
use control to make them stop the behavior.
And from THEIR perspective, they feel bad
about themselves or the opposite, they hate
you for being selfish, and they are still stuck
with their problem of being scared during
the night. But now they have a second
problem… my mom is mad at me, or doesn’t
like me, or maybe she won’t take care of me
if I don’t fix this.
But during the night, the fear is too big,
and as a little person, they just can’t help
themselves and they call out for you… even
though they know you will be mad.
When our daughter was going through a
phase of getting up in the night, our #1
goal was for her to feel more secure in her
relationship with us.
So, we mastered our state during the night,
and we were kind and compassionate
with her in the moments when she called
because we were the ones that chose to
have a baby. We decided that WE wanted to
be pregnant and have that child. So, this was
our responsibility.